Happy fall, y’all! It has been a long time since I’ve enlightened you with my innermost thoughts. Now, I know y’all have no time to waste on my nothingness however this junk is weighing me down and taking up valuable hard drive space. So, goody goody gumdrops! Let’s do this!
SOME LETTERS I NEED TO WRITE:
Dear Northbound Carmel Rd. Drivers,
When you pass Harris Teeter, get the hell over. Stop pretending it’s your first time on Carmel and you don’t know the extra lane ends at Hillingdon. I’m onto you so quit it.
Dear Honda Odyssey leadership team,
How about getting your bumper designers together with parking curb makers for a summit? Why not lift up the front bumper a few inches so it doesn’t scrub on everything? In the meantime, just come rip mine off and give me a refund.
Dear Hondy Odyssey engineers,
Why does my speedometer go up to 140 mph? When will I have the opportunity to peg it to 140? WHEN?
Dear Victoria’s Secret,
Pssssst – here’s a secret for ya – your underwear should start at size medium. XS and S would only fit my daughter and that is no good.
The next time you call me and ask, “did you get my email?”, I’m gonna say, “no but somehow I was able to REPLY.TO.IT.”
SAMPLE CONVERSATIONS IN MY LIFE:
In the car…
Mommy, why is the light red?
Because cars need to stop.
Mommy, why do the cars need to stop?
Because the light is red.
Mommy, why is the light red?
Mommy, what are those people doing at that restaurant?
They are eating.
Mommy, what are they eating?
It’s lunchtime so probably lunch.
Mommy, why are they eating lunch?
Because it’s lunchtime.
Mommy, why do we eat?
[JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL.]
Ella James: Mommy, poverty is real.
Me: Yes it is. Do you know what poverty means?
Ella James: It means people don’t have food, clothing, or a house.
Me: That’s right! Where did you learn that?
Ella James: On TV. Also, did you know yogurt has twice the calcium as milk? [Seriously? Why can’t they have commercials on doing your homework, cleaning up after yourself, going to bed? Can someone help.me.out. with some positive brainwashing? I would also like to formally submit my suggestion for some public shaming at school. I’m tired of yelling at my kids to study math and spelling and read and do their homework and find their MFN library book. I’m so over recognition programs. How about a shaming program to call out the ones who don’ t do stuff?]
Ella James: Mommy, why does your face look like the beach at St. Simon’s Island?
Me: What? Like the sand?
Ella James: No. Like the ripples in the sand. It feels like it, too. [So, I’ve got that going for me. Swell.]
Ella James: Mommy, when you get old and decide you don’t want to have a baby, do you take medicine?
MY THOUGHTS ABOUT COOKING:
If you can read, you can cook.
If you have a recipe that requires chia, farro, freekeh (yes, I said freekeh!), hemp seeds, or the like then do not send it to me. I don’t care how tasty it is; you can’t convince me to make it so don’t waste your time.
I might, however, accept your recipes that call for quinoa, kale, and flax seed BUT it better be damn delicious and downright scrumptious and not take 2 days to make.
I think, on average, I burn myself 3-5 times a week cooking. I bare-hand grab handles of hot pans. I take the toaster oven tray out of the toaster oven. I graze the side of the HOT open oven door with my leg. I steam burn my face when draining items into a colander…and it goes on and on and on. You can’t fix stupid.
Drop it like it’s hot, Smarties. What have you got that you need to unload?
MORE WAYS TO WASTE YOUR VALUABLE TIME…
January 2013 Musings
February 2013 Musings
March 2013 Musings
May 2013 Musings