November 3, 2014

Musings

Happy fall, y’all!  It has been a long time since I’ve enlightened you with my innermost thoughts.  Now, I know y’all have no time to waste on my nothingness however this junk is weighing me down and taking up valuable hard drive space.  So, goody goody gumdrops!  Let’s do this!

SOME LETTERS I NEED TO WRITE:

Dear Northbound Carmel Rd. Drivers,
When you pass Harris Teeter, get the hell over.  Stop pretending it’s your first time on Carmel and you don’t know the extra lane ends at Hillingdon. I’m onto you so quit it.

Dear Honda Odyssey leadership team,
How about getting your bumper designers together with parking curb makers for a summit?  Why not lift up the front bumper a few inches so it doesn’t scrub on everything?  In the meantime, just come rip mine off and give me a refund.

Dear Hondy Odyssey engineers,
Why does my speedometer go up to 140 mph?  When will I have the opportunity to peg it to 140?   WHEN?

Dear Victoria’s Secret,
Pssssst – here’s a secret for ya – your underwear should start at size medium.  XS and S would only fit my daughter and that is no good. 

Dear Daddy,
The next time you call me and ask, “did you get my email?”, I’m gonna say, “no but somehow I was able to REPLY.TO.IT.” 

SAMPLE CONVERSATIONS IN MY LIFE:

In the car…
Mommy, why is the light red?
Because cars need to stop. 
Mommy, why do the cars need to stop? 
Because the light is red. 
Mommy, why is the light red?
IT.JUST.IS. 
Mommy, what are those people doing at that restaurant? 
They are eating. 
Mommy, what are they eating? 
It’s lunchtime so probably lunch. 
Mommy, why are they eating lunch? 
Because it’s lunchtime. 
Mommy, why do we eat? 
[JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL.]

At home…
Ella James: Mommy, poverty is real.
Me:  Yes it is. Do you know what poverty means? 
Ella James: It means people don’t have food, clothing, or a house. 
Me:  That’s right! Where did you learn that? 
Ella James: On TV. Also, did you know yogurt has twice the calcium as milk? [Seriously?  Why can’t they have commercials on doing your homework, cleaning up after yourself, going to bed?  Can someone help.me.out. with some positive brainwashing?  I would also like to formally submit my suggestion for some public shaming at school.  I’m tired of yelling at my kids to study math and spelling and read and do their homework and find their MFN library book.  I’m so over recognition programs.  How about a shaming program to call out the ones who don’ t do stuff?] 

Ella James:  Mommy, why does your face look like the beach at St. Simon’s Island?
Me:  What?  Like the sand?
Ella James: No.  Like the ripples in the sand.  It feels like it, too. [So, I’ve got that going for me. Swell.]

Ella James:  Mommy, when you get old and decide you don’t want to have a baby, do you take medicine?
Me:  …crickets….

MY THOUGHTS ABOUT COOKING:

If you can read, you can cook.

If you have a recipe that requires chia, farro, freekeh (yes, I said freekeh!), hemp seeds, or the like then do not send it to me.  I don’t care how tasty it is; you can’t convince me to make it so don’t waste your time.

I might, however, accept your recipes that call for quinoa, kale, and flax seed BUT it better be damn delicious and downright scrumptious and not take 2 days to make.

I think, on average, I burn myself 3-5 times a week cooking.  I bare-hand grab handles of hot pans.  I take the toaster oven tray out of the toaster oven. I graze the side of the HOT open oven door with my leg. I steam burn my face when draining items into a colander…and it goes on and on and on.  You can’t fix stupid.

Drop it like it’s hot, Smarties.  What have you got that you need to unload?

MORE WAYS TO WASTE YOUR VALUABLE TIME…

January 2013 Musings
http://charlottesmartypants.com/2013/01/musings-2/

February 2013 Musings
http://charlottesmartypants.com/2013/02/musings/

March 2013 Musings
http://charlottesmartypants.com/2013/03/musings-3/

May 2013 Musings
http://charlottesmartypants.com/2013/05/musings-4/

6 Responses

  1. Jessica says:

    Great read this morning for early morning chuckles on a Monday!!! Thanks!

  2. Jenny says:

    You seriously just crack me up!

  3. Cynthia Clark Cynthia Clark says:

    I L-O-V-E LOVE you!!! Cracked me up!!! Girl, I’m coming over and giving you a quick tutorial on how not to burn yourself…and BONUS, none of the recipes will have chia, farro or freekeh! Seriously, WTfrick is freekeh?! I’m of the opinion that if spell check doth protest…it doth not be in my belly

  4. Emy says:

    Love the line about the “MFN” library book!! I’ve already purchased 2 library books!:). Almost a 3rd–left in Charleston over my sisters wedding weekend , but the cleaning people found it and we had to have it fed-exd back. :)

  5. Kelly says:

    Ahh let me count the ways, my son cried in the driveway today, lying on the cement because he didn’t want to go to college and be that far away from me.He is 5! I told him when he was older he would go to Hawaii for college and it probably would not be far enough. He cried more and I began to wonder of Adam is right and he is a little too attached to mommy. I am over having to remind them to BRUSH THEIR TEETH! I am going to start calling their friends and asking them to remark on the stinky breath at school, I too am a fan of the shaming program. They only care what everyone else thinks, mommy be damned! Oh yes and last but not least, my puppy, for the record I did not want a puppy, has torn her ACL and most likely needs a very expensive surgery. Merry Christmas kids the dog can walk!

  6. LCB says:

    Dear third-grade daughter,
    If I hear again that you purposely threw your spelling pre-test AND wrote with your left hand so that you could get the “easy” words that you already know, there will be consequences! :-)
    Love, Mom

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