Everyone has an inner dialogue about his or her body image. Why can’t mine sound like Charlize Theron’s? Mine is awful, for the sake of this conversation I will name her Pam (not because I know a Pam that was mean to me and called me fat as a child but because it is easy to type. Yes I am that lazy).
Pam is in my head ALL of the time. She is there every waking minute saying things like “don’t eat that it has too many carbs” or “ look at that girls arms, don’t you wish yours looked like that”. I do not know when Pam came to live in my brain but I bet it was around the time this picture was taken. Wow, look how angry I am. Why can’t Pam say stuff like “ Wendy, you should take a day off today and eat that bread on your sandwich instead of picking it apart like a bird” or “ Wow, you look awesome in that bathing suit. Your hard work at the gym is really paying off,” Pam is a mean girl. Pam isn’t happy with me EVER. She is constantly comparing me to every other woman I see. I am unable to receive a compliment without saying something like “ you are crazy and blind”. I need help.
Being a woman is so hard. It has been said how tuff it is to grow up as a young girl these days with the constant bombardment from the media about how a girl/woman should look. Well it is true. If my Pam is saying those terrible things to me all day long what on earth are my daughters Pams going to say to them? I want them to know that they are beautiful just the way they are. I say this to them all the time, but why is it I never say it to myself? I turned forty this year. In every other aspect of my life I am happier than I have ever been before. Why does this seem to happen to woman as they age? Get happy = body falling apart. Does this happen to soften the blow of having to watch in the mirror as their bodies go down the crapper?
My Pam needs therapy. I know that I am great the way I am. I am in good shape; I work out all the time but yet still beat myself up routinely. My body is starting to have more injuries from the constant pounding. This is no fun.
I am making a stand. Screw Pam! She can get another place to live. I am going to work on being proud that I have a body that could have two wonderful children, could run a marathon (slow but it counts) and one that can hug my family.
I need to get over myself. I am giving Pam an eviction notice. I am going to just try and be happy with what I have and how I am.
What does your inner voice say to you?
Ps. sorry if your name is Pam, I meant no harm.
17 comments
Great post! I’ve had a “Pam” for a long time. I never gave her a name. I thought I was crazy having this inner turmoil constantly. Since having kids and having no time at all, I find myself saying “screw it, I am what I am”. It’s still hard though.
Maybe it’s because I had less than 2 hours of sleep last night because of sick kids, or maybe it’s because I’m feeling EXTREMELY on the edge and emotional these days, but I’m sitting here crying fat, hot tears. My Pam is my worst enemy. She keeps me in chains. She runs my life. She made me anorexic in high school and bulimic in college and an emotional binge eater in my 30s . I have fought with her my entire life. I look in the mirror, and I don’t see me…I see myself with an extra 100 pounds (much like the image you put in the post). I have written about 3 posts about this on my own blog but have erased them because Pam made me. But now…SCREW PAM! I’m posting them! I love you, Wendy! (And woman, you are GORGEOUS! I would pull out my right front tooth to have a body like yours.)
Oh Ginny. I hate to hear this. We all do it. I am consumed by it. It is stupid. God I hope when I am 80 I am not still trying to suck my gut in.
Love you.
I’m too old to be young and too young to be old. Photos of myself from a couple of yrs ago always prove the point. I’ve got “POTUS aging disease”…I’ve aged 25 yrs in the last 4. Enemy number 1 for me is Suzette. I look in the mirror and Suzette screeches back: “You make 37 look like a hundred. Do something about those racoon bags, will ya?” Men don’t do this. We are cursed.
I think it’s because I’ve finally hit 40, but I have no tolerance for the “Pam” in my life any more. I’ve struggled with body image my entire life – started when my big brother called me the Goodyear Blimp when I was 9 years old. He didn’t stop until I changed my body. One summer before 9th grade, I stole Dexatrim diet pills (not a proud moment but my mom would have killed me if I asked for them), did the Kathy Smith Ultimate Workout video every day and lost my “baby fat”. God love my mom for telling me until 8th grade that my chub was “just baby fat.” From that point on, I was thin, muscular, super athletic and had a rockstar body. But I never ever knew it. Even in college, I had friends in my sorority suggest that I try out for our UF swimsuit calendar (although totally not my style, I was honored and dumbfounded). As I entered my 30’s and had children I lost my pregnancy weight with no problem until I had the twins. It’s been a yo-yo ride ever since, but I’m back on track to a muscular physique.
My point is, it was such a bummer to miss out on the beauty that I had and still do. I try every day to look in the mirror and find something beautiful about myself. I do this for my daughters too. Just wait until my Thursday blog titled “Mommy, am I too fat for Abercrombie & Fitch?” What is wrong with our society? Why can’t we all be comfy in our own skin, no matter how big or small? I am now, after 40 years. I’m not going to let my girls go through this hot mess. Screw Pam!
Wendy, You have to see MISSrepresentation. You’ll be fired up!
I will have to check it out. thank you.
Great post, Wendy! My ballet teacher Ms. Joanne told me I was fat in 7th grade and it crushed me. I think all women do the comparison thing and believe the skinny girl has no worries. It is a constant battle to quiet that Pam but worth the fight!!
Excuse me for saying this but Ms Joanne sounds like a lonely B*&%$
Amen, Wendy! Great post. Its amazing how much easier it is to encourage other women vs encouraging ourselves. If only we could all be experts at filling up our own buckets. With the big 4-0 coming in a week, I’m inspired to adopt Jen’s no tolerance policy for Pam. Perfect time to send her straight to the curb!
Love this and love all of the comments (esp Jen’s candidness). So many of us struggle with Pam. I couldn’t relate more.
ps love the pic wendy. so pretty actually!
truth of the day: “Get happy = body falling apart”! lessen the blow…like it makes total sense. The picture is hot…really! I think that Charlize Theron would have a run for her money…i mean look!: http://charlize-central.com/gallery/displayimage.php?album=169&pid=16936#top_display_media
Hahahaha That is awesome. But at least she is smiling. thanks for making me feel better.
Yup, Wendy you were SOOOO hotter than Charlize – girl, those bangs, you had it GOING ON! My 80’s performance wasn’t quite as impressive!
FYI, Wendy – a mutual friend of ours told me she wanted to do personal training so she could have a body like yours.
It’s hard to fight Pam. I blamed her for so much in my 20’s, but lots of therapy sent her packing in my 30’s and it has made all the difference! Bring on 40, I’m just a few years away and looking forward to it.