By Smarty Guest Blogger, Meghan Taylor
1. Travel sports teams – I can’t comprehend these families that travel all over the place for an 8 year old to play baseball. Let me get this straight, you put your entire family in the car and travel to some no-name town for a weekend of CHILDREN’S BASEBALL? This has become your social life? These people are also making it impossible for my normal kids to ever make a sports team because they didn’t pick up a travel sport by the age of 5. I hope my kid is smart because there’s no way he’s making the basketball team now. Seriously?
2. The list of foods that I can’t send to my kid’s school – It’s official. Kids are allergic to everything under the sun. I’m so afraid to have new people over to my house because I’m afraid they will have a seizure when they step foot in my house. I have gluten, wheat, dairy, peanuts, strawberries… you name it. These ingredients are probably on my hardwood floors right now. If you lick my counters, you may die. I’m debating on just sending my kids to school with feeding tubes so we don’t harm other children. Seriously?
3. Rodan + Fields – I bet these products will make me look 20 years old, but I almost refuse to try them. Maybe I’m kicking myself that I didn’t get in on the ground floor of this because I would currently be a millionaire. But it seems these days that I can’t throw a rock without hitting someone that sells it. These women do look good but the Facebook posts every day are killing me. I oddly want to try it but I’m afraid to tell anyone because these wolves will surround me panting. They will want me to sell it too and join their team. I’m a little afraid of them. Seriously?
4. All natural / all organic crazy people – Every day I log into Facebook to see a new Jimmy Fallon video or to see a picture of what my friend had to eat last night. (Seriously?) Instead, I am bombarded by all these posts from people who are telling me everything I’m consuming is giving me cancer, or worst – giving my kids cancer. Everything from the detergent I’m using, the beer I drink, the toothpaste we use, even those simple Goldfish we eat are killing me from the inside out. I honestly don’t know how I’m even alive with all the things I put in my body these days. I’m surprised that my limbs aren’t falling off me as I speak because of the apple juice I just had that wasn’t organic. If I wanted to know this stuff, I would by a book on it. Seriously?
5. Little girls cheerleading – I was a cheerleader once. But it was back when I had boobs and I’m still not sure I had red lipstick on. These pictures of 6 year olds with mid-drifts showing, covered in eye shadow and lipstick colors that I wouldn’t even wear on Halloween scare me a bit. And those trophies could kill someone. What are they? 10 feet tall? These girls do look like they are having a blast so I’m all for that. It’s the Moms that make me a little nervous. Seriously?
6. Bragging on your children – Whoa. Boy, we are in the age of that right now. We are all SO DAMN PROUD of our kids that it’s ridiculous. Thing is though, you think it’s coming off as how proud you are, but really it is borderline obnoxious bragging. I feel sorry for these kids whose parents put them out there so much. Heaven forbid they just become a normal member of society and get married and have 2.5 kids. The way their parents talk about them, you would think they are going to develop the next cancer vaccine or rid the world of hunger. They may just end up being a teacher, which is awesome. It’s even better when they are 9 or even 4 years old. They are not on Facebook so who is it that are you bragging to exactly? Give them a high-five and move on like our parents did. Seriously?
7. Cross-fit – Another thing that I’m nervous about. I don’t understand it and anything that has it’s own language intimidates me. That video of the girl that lifts some 300-pound weight over her head does not make me want to high-five. It makes me worry about her pelvic floor. I feel like her insides might just fall out of her. Yes, these women look amazing but I would be too scared about losing my lower intestine in the process. Seriously?
8. Selfies – I know it’s all the rage. I’m even going to say that anyone under the age of 24 has the God given right to post a selfie every single day. It’s what you grew up doing. “Here’s what I look like in the mirror right now, in case anyone is wondering.” But grown ass people doing it? If you are over 25, stop posting selfies of yourself in different outfits with cute lighting. It’s creepy. I have to honestly say that I am never wondering what you look right AT THIS VERY MOMENT. I guarantee no one else is wondering either. Seriously?
9. E-cards or “someecards” – Who sits around and creates these? Is this a for real profession? Is there some stay at home mom that is making hundreds of these (mostly about women who drink) and puts them out online? I have some friends that are constantly sending me these. Are they funny? Sure. Some are funny. But where are you getting these? Are you scanning the Internet for them? Are they on Pinterest? (Don’t even get me started on Pinterest). Do you have a certain number of hours a day that you are scanning e-cards? Seriously?
10. Cyclists – Since when does my exercise routine need to put your life in danger? I love cycling. It’s a great workout. There is this awesome place called FlyWheel that you can do it at. I’m not sure why the two lane highway behind my neighborhood, that is also crazy dangerous and hilly, is the best place for you to get your fitness on. Cars are piling up behind you because they are afraid to pass you and potentially kill everyone in their car. But, I hope that you are enjoying the sun and breeze on your ride. Also, just about everyone I pass these days is texting and driving. Not sure if I would be completely comfortable cycling alongside those drivers. I enjoy being outside too. I’m just not pissing everyone off in the process of me dropping a couple of pounds. Seriously?
If you are currently in one of these categories, it’s okay. Just know that you are probably driving all your friends crazy. Your posts in Facebook are probably being hidden from their feed at this point because you drive them nuts or you are about to be defriended all together. Bless your hearts. I would just be aware that when you walk away from daily conversations, someone is probably saying, “Seriously?”