Wanted: Ryan Reynolds’s IT-Savvy Twin

I want an IT guy. I want a living, breathing guy (or girl) who knows EVERYTHING about computers to come live with me. 24/7. It’d be great if he could also fix little odds and ends around the house, but even if he can’t, it’s fine. (It would also be great if he was Ryan Reynolds’s identical twin, but those are just details.)
Just as long as he knows how to make my house “smart” – sync it all up, fix every computer glitch, get my Gmail to stop truncating messages, and make my WIFI never fail, he can stay here for free.

I had no idea how good I had it when I worked full time. The IT department was just an easy phone call away. I’d ask, and they’d come. Quickly. And, they’d fix all of my problems – for free. Computer crashes? No biggie, all your stuff is on a server. Printer out of ink? No problem, new cartridges right there. Photos too large on your iPhone? Boom – shrunk ‘em. Want to sync all devices? Batta-bing, here you go. NSYNCed like Justin Timberlake in ‘98 (yes, JT, we remember when you weren’t all Suit-and-Tie smooth and we still love you!! Your secret is safe with us!).

Granted, I worked for pretty big companies back in the day – I realize that not every company has a fancy IT department as its beck and call. And, let it be noted that I did take the good with the bad – I was laid off almost as many times as I was hired (dang journalism degree! Lowest level in the marketing department of a big company is always the first to go!).

But now I kind of feel like I RUN a large corporation – what am I? Chief Operating Officer of the family? Aren’t they the ones who manage the day-in-and-day-out? That’s me – that’s all of us. I mean, I am constantly nagging others to get their work done, opening my fridge to see stale leftovers, and reporting for work on time every day. So where’s my IT guy? I could keep him busy for a full week just deleting email messages from my account, but no one’s knocking on my door for work.

Yes, I could really use one of those – so many ways to make the house “smart” – and so many ways to screw it up  (actually it kind of sounds like mothering four kids). I consider myself decently computer savvy, but when one tiny thing goes awry, it can take HOURS to figure out. Unpaid hours. Hours that I could spend on my “real” job(s) – chauffeur, maid, chef, teacher, and parole officer.

Do you have ever have the sinking feeling that what takes you half a day to figure out could take someone else 30 seconds? Someone who is probably half your age with acne-prone skin and a squeaky voice? I’m having these thoughts daily. And it’s starting to bug me.  (Actually, what bugs me more is the realization that that person’s description is going to be my sons’ descriptions sooner rather than later. Lord, help me. Also, Lord, please make them pay attention in computer class!)

So I’m thinking of posting an ad (not on Craig’s List – too many creepies, and do you really think Ryan Reynolds’s twin goes on Craig’s List? Um, no) that says:

IT guy (or girl – but only if she is my size with cute style so we can swap clothes) wanted. Must bring all supplies. Must know EVERYTHING about computers, printers, Smartphones, Smart TV, Apple TV and ALL future technology. Must anticipate all issues and fix before they are broken. Must be at my beck and call. Must work for stale leftovers and cheap Chardonnay.

Wait a second. That job description sounds familiar. It kinda sounds like the COO of this family, doesn’t it? The one job I’ve held for nine years without ever being laid off? Whew, on second thought, I think I’ll just stick with zero IT guy and 100 hours of frustration. Better job security, right?  One can never be too careful – lay-offs are always looming. I learned this the hard way – many times. I better just keep my head down, look super busy, and stick to what I know best – and that’s gonna have to include making this a “smart” house.

I have a feeling I’m here to stay, though. I mean, let’s be realistic – who else would work for such cheap table wine? Actually, don’t answer that. I have a feeling most of us do. Don’t want to give ourselves away. Heads down ladies, there’s work to be done!

Are you in need of a worker bee around your house? What kind of work would keep a full-time employee busy in your family?