I recently saw an online ad posted by a chic interior designer who was seeking an intern. It got me thinking…I need an intern! Smarties, wouldn’t you love to have an intern? So, I went to work writing up my own ad for an intern. Cross your fingers that I get so many applicants that I have a hard time choosing! 😉
Charlotte mother seeking intern to assist in all domestic and child rearing responsibilities
- Changing poopy and wet diapers
- Cleaning of Diaper Genie
- Wiping runny noses and seepy eyes
- Administering all medication as needed with occasional mild force
- Daily vacuuming, dusting, collecting of toys from small vents and uneven surfaces, washing dishes and Windexing of handprints and jelly smudges
Skills and Experience Required:
- Ability to effectively manage and punish unruly children, although no use of excessive force is permitted by State and Federal laws. Obtaining results through ineffective means are preferred such as “time out” and sayings such as “it hurts my feelings when you throw large plastic trucks and Barbies at my head”.
- Candidates with proven experience getting children to nap at exact same time every day for 2.5 hours are preferred.
What a typical day looks like:
- Your time will be spent scrubbing showers with Tilex (there is no conclusive evidence that it causes permanent respiratory damage but please limit exposure to no more than 20 minutes at a time…just in case)
- You will run 3 to 5 loads of laundry a day. You will fold 6.
- You will be expected to remain in the kitchen at all times. Healthy and nutritious meals must be provided at least three to five times a day. Snacks must be readily available all day. You may not help yourself to the food. Should this happen, you will gain an unfair amount of weight that you will not be able to lose for several years. This is discouraged by Blue Cross Blue Shield.
- You will have limited exposure to all forms of media other than the internet. But please note: limit yourself to no more than 10, 2-minute internet sessions during a 20-hour period.
- Television is to be left on Nick Jr., period.
- Please do not expect any reassurance or positive feedback. Once you prove yourself, in 18 or 20 years, you will be appreciated.
- You will work 20 hour days, 7 days a week.
- Vacations are only deemed necessary before emotional breakdowns.
- Job performance will be evaluated hourly by household members and perfect strangers.
- And finally, this is an unpaid position.
Taylor C. Presson
Sheriff around these parts
Interested parties should contact www.sweethomecharlotte.net