This pregnancy is different. I’m twice as tired, twice as hungry, twice as emotional, and yes, I’m carrying twice the babies. We are having twins. Certainly, I feel twice as blessed, but I also feel twice as nervous . . .
For those readers who don’t know, in September of 2009, I gave birth to a little girl named Lily Katherine. Lilly was stillborn five weeks early. Today, we are healing emotionally and nervously excited to welcome two little miracles into our family.
If you think about it, pregnancy isn’t for the faint of heart. I’ve had mine broken one too many times. Even with our thrilling news of twins, I struggle to enjoy every special moment that comes along with pregnancy. I’m scared all the time. Naturally, I fear for my babies’ health. Every day, I pray I will get to hold them in my arms and watch their tiny chests rising up and down with each miraculous breath.
During this pregnancy, I’m doing all the right things (just like I’ve done twice before). I eat well and limit my heavy lifting. I take naps and don’t overexert myself. I’m religious about my daily vitamins, drinking milk, and even talking to my growing bump. What else can I do? The answer, I guess, is to have faith. And, I do. I believe that my story will have a happy ending. It just takes time to overcome old aches and learn to live again.
As the weeks pass I hope to become more confident. I want to start picking out names. I want to dream soft dreams, not harsh nightmares. I’m slowly starting to accept and understand that most pregnancies do end well After all, I need to maintain strength because I have two little gems depending on me.
I know I’m not alone with my concerns and struggles during this pregnancy. There are so many of you out there with your own stories of heartache. Women who have experienced loss and can’t let their minds rest while expecting. I feel for each and everyone of you. We are members of a club that no one ever wants to, or should have to, join.
In addition to the health of the babies, I worry a lot about the day they will be born. It will be a fantastic day full of joy, but also one of reflection. Having given birth to Lily so recently, I will remember her and my experiences in the hospital. It is only natural, right? Certainly I will rejoice, but I’m sure to shed a tear remembering my little one who didn’t come home.
Two babies are blissful and yes, very different to carry. To all you twin mothers out there, you are amazing. I never thought carrying two children would be so tiring, so draining. Nervously and with great excitement, I look forward to life where pregnancy and all its fears are behind me, and in front of me is only the view of all things “twice as nice”.
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7 comments
Krista, I will pray for you and babies during this pregnancy. I do not know you personally, only through your blogs on CSP. I understand some of what you have been through. I never had to do fertilty treatments, but my first pregnancy ended at 16 weeks, when we found out our twin girls had passed. So it took us a bit to get pg again, and then I had many problems with that pg and was very nervous, was told our baby did not have a heartbeat and we would miscarry. But I held onto my faith and I delivered our only girl on my hubby's birthday. My next pg was uneventful and I was finally able to relax some. Then we got pg with twins again much to my surprise and we were told they would have the same fate as our twin girls. So that was a very trying time, but the doctors were wrong and after much bedrest and a worn out mom (my older two were 2 and 3 at the time) we delivered our twin boys at 35 weeks. So please know that you can have a happy ending and rely on your friends during the dark times when you can not stop the worry. Keep the faith!
krista-wishing you the best with your sweet babies. i'm so sorry for your loss and understand what it feels like to be part of the "club" we'd rather not be a member of. it has always made me feel in awe and appreciation of the millions of things that have to go right for a healthy baby to be born. 9 months of anxiety is very different from the innocent excitement felt before you learn that things don't always go like you grew up thinking they do. best wishes- you are a very strong mommy.
Jennifer, thank you for sharing your story. I'm nervous, but I know I'm not alone. Congratulations on your twin boys and for making it through the "fears" of pregnancy. I'm so sorry for your loss; it never 100% heals but time does help. Blessings to you and your entire family!
Wishing you the best, Krista! I had 2 miscarriages and successfully delivered twins, and I, too, was so nervous during my pregnancy with the twins. I always looked at it as by having the twins, I received back some of what I lost….if that makes any sense! Hang in there!
Wishing you all the best. I have two year old old boy/girl twins so I know how tiring the pregnancy is. My one piece of advice is really take it easy, very very easy. Let your husband, friends and family take care of you during this time. Best wishes. Elizabeth
Thinking of you and praying for you Krista! you are a strong momma! your story is so inspirational!
You are an inspiration, my friend! And I can't wait for the day where we can forget this club ever existed and enjoy reaping the benefits of motherhood without anxiety lurking at every corner! Then again, there will always be anxieties in some form or another. In the meantime, we must rely on His protection and His promises. His mercies are new every morning! love to you!