& Jenny D
To work or not to work is a choice all new moms are faced with. Everyone has different circumstances that drive them to that decision. As the two Smarty Pants bloggers who did decide to go back to work, we thought we’d team up to share our perspectives and tips on “how we do it”. We’re not here to say if one way is better than the other but we do think it’s possible to have it all, or close to it anyway… it’s just a matter of finding the right balance, asking for help when you need it, and prioritizing.
Speaking of … topic #1 is all about Redefining What Your Priorities Are. In this series, we thought it’d be fun to each offer up our own perspective on the topic of the week. So here we go…
Tracy says:
When Matt and I decided to have a family, I really didn’t give it a second thought as to whether or not I would go back to work after my first child was born. I never considered myself the “stay-at-home” type. That was until I was on maternity leave with Jake and only had about 2 weeks to go! I was just beginning to get into my grove and honestly, I couldn’t imagine anyone else taking care of my child. At that point however, it really didn’t seem like an option to stay at home … it wasn’t part of our “plan”. So, when Jake was 13 weeks old, and with very mixed emotions, I headed back to work. I will admit the first couple weeks/months were tough. But then I gradually got into the swing of things and remembered why it was that I had planned to do this all along. Working gives me an outlet, a chance to challenge myself and to be with friends.
That being said, I needed to make a lot of adjustments. I quickly realized that some of the things I used to think were so super important that I had to stay past 7pm to get done really weren’t that important. That leaving at 5pm because my daycare closed at 5:30pm was okay. And taking a sick day to be at home with my child who has a fever is not the end of the world! I also had to accept the fact that my house may not be as clean as I would like … that the dust on the blinds was worth the time spent playing with Jake (or sleeping!). Or that I might have to pick and choose the social events I wanted to do.
As a mom, we have so many roles we have to play … the wife, the mother, the friend, the sister, the daughter, the employee, the housekeeper. As the saying goes – you can’t be perfect at everything or you won’t be good at anything. I try to remember this often; especially when I feel overwhelmed or that one of my treasured roles is slipping. My family is, and always will be, my number one priority. Matt, Jake and baby-to-be are what makes my world go round. I am very lucky to have such a wonderful husband who helps to take the burden off some of the other things. I am also lucky to have a great job with the flexibility I need to get my work done but also manage the mom things that come up. So how do I prioritize all the important things in my life? I try to define the moment and then decide what the priority needs to be and have learned to accept that some of the other things may not get done … and that’s okay.
Jenny says:
Working fulfills my life, just as being a mother does, so I strive to give both my best. I realize that there are limitations and sacrifices that still have to be made, but if you find the right employer who supports your efforts as a mother and employee, you can make working not only manageable, but successful.
This fall I experienced going back to work after maternity leave for the second time. And being a little bit wiser this go-around, I was better prepared. I knew it would be hard to find time to pump (I was still breast-feeding), but I was willing to make the sacrifice because it kept me connected to my baby. I got more organized at work. I worked with Human Resources to set up a place for me to pump prior to returning to work. I planned for the pumping by blocking out 20 minutes in the am and 20 in the afternoon on my calendar so that meetings would not conflict. I brought my lunch everyday so that I could make up that time by working through lunch. Needing to leave work right at 5pm made me very efficient and focused. It wasn’t always easy to maintain this schedule, but I did it and I have no regrets. The important thing is to prioritize what matters most to you.
To make this series successful, we really want to hear from you too! Let us, and other working moms, know how you have redefined your priorities to be able to have the best of both worlds.
24 comments
What do your children do in the summer while you work – especially if they are in school and not daycare? I’ve wrestled with going back to work, but this question keeps popping up and I can’t figure out a solution that I am comfortable with.
Going back to work wasn’t easy for me either. At first, finding a place to pump was an issue that everyone else had, not me. In fact, before I started, everyone called me the “Breastfeeding Copywriter”. Many of the guys didn’t know what to think of my pumping. But I treated it humorously, welcomed conversations about it and placed my milk in the fridge next to everyone’s lunches. Because I kept the conversation open everyone felt a lot more comfortable. The hardest part about going back to work is finding time for myself. If I want to work out, I have to wake at 5 am. If I want to grab a drink with girlfriends after work, I need to plan it ahead of time so my husband is comfortable. It’s a big balancing act and some weeks I do better than others.
I do preschool and have a nanny as well so the summers are not a problem. I work with a woman who has figured this situation out. If you do your research in advance, you will find that there are enough day camps around Charlotte to fill up your needs in the summer. I believe she asks her mom to help out one or two weeks, but other than that her children are in camps. Good luck.
I have been working from home for about four years now. While I enjoy having a professional outlet, I do find it heartwrenching to plan activities for my nanny to do with my child. I do wish that I could be the one doing all of these fun things with them. Being at home during the day is such a gift, but at the same time it’s hard since I can’t really be with them.
I have been back to work for over a month now, but its still so hard for me. In fact, I still cry at least once a week when I drop her off at daycare! I am currently planning for a part time job so that I can have more of a balance. One thing that no one has mentioned is how hard it is to work (or care about work!) on less sleep!!!
I went back full time when my first was born, but with a flex schedule that was extremely mom-friendly. It was truly the best of all worlds. Then the company changed and I no longer enjoyed the work and couldn’t justify taking my child to daycare to spend time at a job I didn’t love. I’ve been working part-time from home ever since, and it is the best solution for me, for now. It can be a very guilt-ridden balance sometimes though. I toy with the idea of going back to a regular work environment at least twice a year (steady paycheck, defined schedule, adult interaction, peer support – there are TONS of pros) but now that my children are in full school I struggle with the idea of “taking away” their summer. Instead, I tend to cut back on my hours and we all enjoy some down time. I wish someone in charlotte would do a full-summer half-day camp program that didn’t require hopping from location to location. I could keep up my work that way AND give the kids plenty of carefree summer days at the pool.
Thank you so much for bringing up this topic. It is hard for any mother to work full time and also hard for a mother to stay at home. I experienced both. I had to put my child in daycare at 7 weeks old and cried everyday. I had wonderful co-workers and a great boss that worked with me and helped me cope. One thing that helped, was that I had my husband drop our son off at daycare in the mornings so that I wouldn’t have a break down before going to work. I was the one who would go pick him up every afternoon and I looked so forward to seeing him. This worked out great for us. Our son was sick alot and was born early b/c I had H.E.L.L.P Syndrome, so I decided to quit my job and stay at home when he was 7 months old. My husband worked 2 jobs for 1 1/2 yrs so that we could do this. We made lots of sacrifices to make this happen. I enjoyed every minute and made the best out of our situation. We cut back on everything and it was well worth it. When our son was almost 2 years old, I went back to work full-time. The doctors said he was well enough to go back to daycare since he built up his immune system, and I didn’t want my husband to have to keep working 2 jobs so that I could stay at home. It was hard going back to work full time, but I did. I love my husband to death for his strong work ethic and for making such a huge sacrifice for our family. He is truly an amazing father and husband and I am so blessed to have him in my life. I work at one of the banks uptown and love it. They are so flexible with working parents. I volunteer at every school party and the bank pays me for it. We are allowed to get paid for up to 8 hours of volunteer service per month. It works out great. We also chose a daycare that has camera’s so my husband and I can check on our son from our computers at work. Both experiences had their up’s and down’s, but I would have to say that working full-time and being a mother is really challenging at times. My goal and dream is to be able to stay at home with our next baby. Starting in 2009, the bank is allowing parents 12 weeks paid maternity and paternity. That is awesome and unheard of. I guess I’ll have to wait and see what happens. I wish all mother’s the best of luck in what ever their choices/decisions may be. You never know how someone has it until you have been in their situation. P.S, I was wondering if any other mother’s out there have experienced H.E.L.LP Syndrome and had better luck/pregnancy with their second child? I had not only that, but gestational diabetes, placenta previa and pre-eclampsia and morning sickness for 6 months. Due to my complications I was put to sleep when my son was born and my husband wasn’t allowed in the room. We missed out on witnessing our son’s birth and I am scared to have another baby b/c I almost died. So if anyone else has experienced a similar situation and their second pregnancy went well, please let me know. I would love nothing more than to have another child and be able to witness the birth, the first cry and holding a baby in my arms right after it’s born. We missed out and I don’t want that to happen again if I can prevent it. Thanks!
To the author of the last post and HELP syndrom, I too suffered from HELP when I was prego with my twins. It was very scary at the end and while I was not put to sleep for their birth, I was so drugged that I really can’t remember their birth at all. It makes me sad, but it sure beats the alernative. My OBGYN has reassured me that just beacuse I had HELP the first time doesn’t put me at any risk for having it the second go round. Best of luck! I would talk to your OBGYN and see what their 2cents is.
you should do a post on “how we do t” for stay at home moms!
You all ROCK!! Thanks for mentioning working mothers and all that we do to balance family and have a career. Jen B would of been so proud since she was the “working mother” of the duo. We do have the best of both worlds! Please keep blogging about issues for BOTH working mother’s and stay at home mother’s.
Working mom or SAHM mom…both have their challenges. I work FT and would have to say BALANCE is the biggest challenge. Now if I were a SAHM, I think SANITY would be the biggest challenge! I think both groups should applaud each other instead of constantly making it a battle of who was it harder!
I agree with the above comment – a “how we do it” article featuring stay at home moms seems quite appropriate! Contrary to popular belief, this job is not easy and certainly requires dedication, organization and patience. However, I gladly gave up, and would ten times over, a job that I found rewarding and stimulating in order to be there for every moment of my children’s lives. For me, a job could never compare to being there for my child. Wanna talk about balance? Ask a stay at home mom, she can tell you “how we do it”.
I don’t think anyone is “choosing” their job over their children. Some parents have to work for a living and would love to be a stay at home parent but aren’t able to do so. Both SAHM’s and working mother’s work hard at balancing their families and sacrifice alot to do so. No need to get offended b/c 2 bloggers have chosen to write about being working mother’s. They weren’t trying to make an issue over who is the better mother and they stated that in their blog. Every mother works hard at raising her children. Mother’s, regardless of if they work or not, should be supportive of eachother!
Would love to hear from a stay at home mom like Jenn P. on how she handles being a stay at home mom with FOUR kids! Wow! I have one and one on the way and would love to know how she spends time with her kids and also maintains a sense of “self”. Dying to know what a typical day in your life is like Jenn P.! Also, how did you handle all of this when your kids were much younger? Thanks for your input…
I didn’t realize this forum was so anti-working mom just like every other mommy forum in charlotte. Why do SAHMs think they are so above working moms?? I don’t have to work….I chose to ((GASP)) and I’m ok with that. I don’t criticize SAHMs for their decisions, but I sure as hell get criticized all the time for mine. I think there should be more blogs for working moms….keep them coming!
OK, guys. This is not SAHM vs.WM. We’re all in this together. Let’s not forget that we are an empowered generation with a beautiful choice – to work or not to work. Our moms got the shaft b/c they pretty much had to stay at home. And if they did work, our dads probably didn’t help a whole lot on the home front. My sister who is the tail end of the baby boomers had to work and wanted to very much. They are a generation of women who finally got a chance to prove that we can work just as well as men – go baby boomers! Then there is the GenX and Gen Y generations – we can do whatever we want. No judgment from anyone except a few bitter people here and there. We can work and further our careers. Or we can put our careers on hold and stay at home with our children. Why – because we can thanks to the women before us. What I love most about moms today is the beautiful support mechanisms we have created online and in the community. I personally think there is a huge market of untapped women who chose to stay home, but still want to further their career, just not to the level they were at before becoming a mom. I call these “mompreneurs” and you’ll see alot of them featured on CSP. I remember when I first formed a play group 7 years ago, I marveled at how smart the moms were around me. These weren’t ladies eating bon-bons and playing tennis every day (nothing wrong with a little tennis – someday I will be a tennis mom, I just don’t have time right now:-). These were highly educated, intelligent women who talked politics, parenting, sex, you name it. It was so refreshing!So it’s not stay-at-home moms vs. working moms. It’s a choice – we all have one. Embrace the decision you made, don’t judge others and find the support you need. And since you asked, I will put together my survival guide from my SAHM perspective – look for it on Tuesday:-)
Everyone lighten up! I’ve never understood why working moms are so much more supportive of SAHMs than the reverse. You know there is a special place in hell for women who don’t support other women? Let’s embrace our choices and our good fortune to have them. It’s not black and white, but there are many, many shades of gray. I LOVE my job — love it so much I would make you sick talking about how much I love it. I love that I am giving back to a larger community; I love that i’m great at it and it makes me a richer, fuller, more whole person; I love that my daughters think it is the coolest.. But you know what? It so pales in comparison to my love for my children it’s not even close. Those of us who work (particularly those of us who could afford not to work) aren’t choosing work over family; we’re choosing to do what we think is best for our family. For most of us, the kids don’t miss out on much of our time (particularly once they’re in school). Most of the working moms I know sacrifice a ton so that their kids don’t sacrifice and that they can be truly in the moment when they are with their kids — things like the gym, girls nights out, coffee or lunch with a girlfriend, reading for pleasure/book clubs, friends that you actually see and don’t just talk to on the phone … It’s not easy, and there are days I wish I didn’t work, but on balance we try to be good parents and show our children (particulary our daughters) that they can do whatever they want to do and still have wonderful, loving, happy families. And we admire the SAHMs who have sacrificed so much to do what they think is right for them and their families. Think about how you’d feel if someone said these kinds of things about your own daughter’s choice to work after she was valedictorian of her high school, aced medical school, and is in a career she loved. Would you really look at your precious daughter of whom you are so proud with disdain if she chose to continue in a career she loved after her first child was born? My hope is that when my daughters are my age, these debates don’t even occur anymore.
I have been making the decision between working and staying at home and have had my feelings hurt by moms who work and moms who are home. I think everyone has to make their own personal deicision on what works for their family. I wish that we didn’t feel like we had to “justify” our personal decision with other moms, and I think a lot of that stems from a lack of support and a feeling of being judged for whatever decision you make. Thanks Jen for reminding us that we are all in this together!
I’m a working mom and really like my arrangement. I work full time, plus I own a small business on the site doing photography which keeps me busier than I’d like sometimes! My full time job company is very flexible, and I work from home 100% with a team full of working Moms (all virtual.) When I do go to the office (in any city we’re in) there is always a breastfeeding room, so pumping was never a problem for me when I was nursing our daughter or even traveling day trips to NYC, etc.Because I work two jobs and my husband works, our big key to success is outsourcing! We get the lawn done weekly and get the house cleaned twice a month. It took a LONG time for me to give up this control and be willing to spend the money, but it’s been SO worth it! My only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner. I’m pretty thrifty and felt pretentious getting these services, but it’s been so worth it because our nights/weekends are 100% quality family time now instead of getting things “done”.
To the mom with a history of HELLP syndrome (sorry if a bit off topic), definitely talk to your ob. That being said, pre-eclampsia is less common with second pregnancies (as long as it’s the same dad) esp if your blood pressure now (prepregnancy) is totally normal. Still, no guarantee of course, and if it does recur it often does so at an even earlier gestation. The morning sickness will almost definitely be an issue for you again, esp since it was so significant and lasted so long. Gestational diabetes is also very likely if not inevitable your second time around — you can decrease this risk by optimizing your prepregnancy weight and keeping your pregnancy weight gain within the normal range, watching your simple carb intake, etc. Finally, since you had a c/s, you’re at a slightly increased risk for having another previa, although this risk is on the low side. Bottom line, with modern medicine, you should do well, but this underlines the fact that women need to really contemplate every pregnancy and understand the risks that can come along with the pregnancy and the possibility that we might not have ‘the perfect child’ as well. Thank goodness we’re able to accept these risks and have beautiful pregnancies with wonderful babies. We must never take the process and the end results for granted and make a decision that’s best for our families.
Amen on the support each other comentary. Whatever you choose – own it and be proud! I am a fabulous daughter of a working mom and my husband is the wonderful son of a stay at home mom and we are both whole and complete. Go figure….we all turned out really well b/c our parents were happy with their choices. That is what really matters.
It is too bad that there continues to be such debate among women on this issue. I am a working mom (full time)and up until now I have never had a desire to stay home. My kids are entering Kindergarten in the fall and for the first time ever I am considering changing things up. Who knows if that is even an option. With that being said, it is a hard decision that only your gut can tell you.So…here are some of my tips on how I have worked full time with a couple of kids. 1) I have always been 100% comfortable with my childcare situation. First we had nanny and then a full time daycare that was close to my work. I spend a good deal of time during drop off/pick up and activites where I feel like I really know the teachers, directors, other kids and their parents. I had to follow my gut on this decision too and it meant waiting 2 years to get into the center I wanted.2. Being upfront at work about priorities and “turn around” time. I strive to underpromise and over deliver. One tip here is that I changed jobs shortly after maternity leave so I was able to define my new role within the context of my new life with kids vs comparing my work habits to pre-kids. 3. My husband is great. We have both committed to being at home (or with them somewhere)from 5:30 until their bedtime. We have both cut back outside commitments. If we have work that needs to get done, it is done after the kids go to bed at 8pm. We do have to be care not to simply put the kids first and work second and thus forgetting “us”. At least two nights per week we have the kids eat first and we will eat dinner after they go to bed…usually Sunday and one other night.4. Lastly, I have found a group of working moms and we have lunch once a month. It is great. We are all in the same boat and lunch is a great time to meet because childcare is already taken care of and we hav (or should!) eat.I do think it is about to get a lot harder since our daycare days are over….I would be interested in hearing from working moms with older children.
I beleive there is a whole other pocket of ladies who work “part – time”. Ideally, this is the best of both worlds…on the other hand – I never quite feel part of either group (never around long enough to hang with the working crowd and too commited to work to comiserate with the stay-at-home-moms. What is the solution?
I agree with the last post about part-timers. I work part-time also and have recently noticed how many of us there are. My solution is to fully commit myself to each role when I’m in it. So on the days when I work, I pretty much just work straight through and don’t socialize much. I do miss being able to go to lunch with friends, etc. like I did when I worked full time before kids, but that’s just part of shifting your priorities. When I’m home, I try to live fully in that role and limit the amount of time I spend thinking about work. Personally, I think part-time work is a great solution for me and gives me the balance I need.