As a parent, it can be hard to watch our children struggle. Watching them grow up is heart-wrenching enough without having to watch them flounder at activities that are necessary for their long-term development. We want to swoop in and help them, make things easier for them. But I’m learning that sometimes it’s important to step back and let them figure things out on their own.
I saw something on Instagram the other day that has stuck with me. It was two young kids kayaking alone with the words “Children are only as skilled as we give them space to be” floating above them. I want to be a mom who teaches by just being and who always loves, but never coddles.
My oldest son is only 7, but he asked to learn to cook over spring break. I obliged, and now he’s our resident weekend breakfast chef. I only taught him a few basics—scrambling eggs, baking bacon, boiling pasta—but he has been expanding on what I taught him and making things his own.
My 3-year-old has become an excellent bike rider and hiker and eats up the trails! And my 5-year-old son regularly goes on neighborhood errands for me, crossing the street alone and accurately carrying a message or package. I post about it often on Instagram. And, without fail, at least one person messages me every time to tell me that what I’m allowing is dangerous.
But the truth is that while each activity is inherently dangerous, it’s a life skill—and it’s a skill that they continue to practice with my oversight so that they can learn to do it independently. When we step back and allow our children to struggle with things like crossing the street, navigating steep turns on a bike, or cooking their own breakfast over a flame, we give them the opportunity to develop independence, problem-solving skills, and confidence.
That doesn’t mean that it won’t be without pitfalls—my oldest knocked out his front teeth in a biking accident at age 3 (thank goodness my husband is a dentist!) But he wasn’t nearly as nervous about jumping back in the saddle as I was about allowing him to, and I think that’s indicative of how so much of parenting feels—full of anxiety and worry over events that barely move the needle for our kids.
Independence teaches them to rely on themselves and gives them a sense of control over their environment. For toddlers and young kids, who are in charge of very little in their day-to-day, this is HUGE! When children learn how to scramble their own eggs or put shoes on the correct feet, they feel accomplished. This sense of accomplishment builds confidence and encourages them to try new things, which in turn, makes motherhood easier. We now have kids who feel agency over themselves and a desire to exert it. Score!
The more my kids feel responsible for themselves, the more help I get at home, and the more enjoyable they become when we’re out. Instead of whines of “I neeeeeed to use the baaaaathroom,” it has become “I saw a sign for a bathroom and need to go, Mom. If it’s a single stall, can I go in alone?” Instead of “I made a mess,” it has become “I spilled something and need the vacuum and a wet paper towel. Will you get the vacuum for me? I can do the rest.”
As much as it pains me to see them slip away from needing me as much, it brings me so much peace to see them noticing what needs to be done, figuring out how to meet that need, and asking for the space to practice a skill. Especially if you’re raising sons like I am, hopefully they’ll grow up to be capable, enthusiastic partners who are eager to share in the duties adulthood requires. Because raising useless men or ones who weaponize incompetence would be the greatest failure of my life.
