Here I go again. Plym #2 is up for a cell phone, LAWD HELP ME! It’s inevitable, I know. She’s entering middle school and it’s time. I’m dreading this yet looking forward to it at the same time. I’m dreading the increase in my data plan, organizing my whacked out multiple iTunes accounts, and managing yet another young person in my household who will now have access to the entire world at her finger tips. The only thing I am excited about is having instant access to two of my four children that will hopefully make my hectic life just a little easier to coordinate.
So I did not jump on the 5th grade graduation cell phone gift bandwagon because I don’t believe that a cell phone should be given as a gift. By “gifting” the phone, it implies ownership to the child. So in our household, the cell phone is presented as a communication tool for Mom & Dad to get in touch with you at all times. The primary purpose of this tool is for communication with Mom & Dad, not for social media or gaming, although these are certainly nice perks.
When my oldest was first in the market for a cell phone, there was a cell phone letter to my 13-year-old post that went viral that I loved. I agreed wholeheartedly with every single point Janell made in this article. But I’m here to tell you, I fell WAY short just three years in. I can’t exactly pinpoint where and when or why, but one thing is certain – I let my guard down. And now I have #2 in line for a phone (and #3 & #4 not too far behind her). I now realize that I have to dig out of this mess of slack rules that I started to enforce, but then life happened. And now I have to reign it all in.
So I thought this would be a great time to give you my list of the biggies – some of them I screwed up and some of them I get an “A” – but all will be enforced from this day forward. I’m hoping this exercise helps you while navigating your journey through the cell phone voyage.
1) ALL DEVICES THAT HAVE INTERNET ACCESS MUST CHARGE DOWNSTAIRS. This precedes the cell phones and is an excellent way to train your data hogs before their big day arrives. This is my biggest regret. I started out perfectly and then just kind of forgot about it. I remember at some point reminding my daughter of this rule and her retort was “Mommmm, this is my alarm – it’s how I go to sleep and wakes me up for school!” This was true, but RIDICULOUS. She has an old school alarm clock that will be smoking by the time school starts back up. Pinkie swear.
The most important reason for this is that nothing good or super important happens in a teen’s life after 9pm. I don’t care if they facetime while doing homework, or if they are researching their vocab homework – everything must be downstairs by 9pm.
So your kitchen may look like this when you get started on this rule…
Oh wait, now I know why I fell short here. This would be my kitchen EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. And this doesn’t include 4 additional devices due to my people being out of the house at the moment. Seriously though, it’s important. Maybe your house will have a media room outfitted just for that purpose, and you can call yourself a lucky duck. For now, my kitchen is my media hub. And I totally get what happened to me. Must do better next time around.
2) ALL CELL PHONES MUST BE COLLECTED AT SLEEPOVERS. This is really important in the 6th and 7th grade years when the novelty has not worn off. It’s just too tempting and risky and remember, this is YOUR house. Let me pose this question: WHAT IF a child sends an inappropriate picture that gets circulated from YOUR HOUSE? Trust me, you don’t want that to happen. Don’t slack on this one. Ever.
3) MOM & DAD MUST HAVE THUMBPRINT ACCESS TO YOUR PHONE & TABLETS. Here is the link with instructions for Touch ID on iPhone & iPad and Fingerprint Scan on Android. So many people don’t even know this option is available. I highly recommend this rule. And if they ever delete your thumbprint, take the phone away and investigate. You must also know the lock screen code; if the device is completely powered off, you need the password to unlock.
4) MOM & DAD MUST HAVE PASSWORDS TO ALL SOCIAL MEDIA OUTLETS. Here’s another one I slacked on, mainly because I have thumbprint access. But it’s an important rule to enforce right out of the gate. My kids are good so far, and I hope and pray that I am laying a good, moral digital foundation for them. What I have found to be most helpful is that when I periodically log onto my kids’ devices, it’s a lens to their entire network of friends. So I’m not so much worried about my kids at the moment, but I can immediately tell who the bad kids are and who I don’t want them to fraternize with. This is actually entertaining to do over a glass (or 3) of wine – it’s better than any reality smut you’ll find on tv. Just hopefully it’s not your kids providing the smut.
5) MOM & DAD OWN ALL DEVICES. Even if they helped either a)pay for the device or b)pay for their portion of the monthly plan – as long as they are living under your roof, you own all of it.
6) NO FACE TIMING IN YOUR BEDROOM. Or ooVoo. This is for girls and boys alike. It’s like having the person on the other screen in your bed. When they first start using this feature, it’s harmless. But as they get older, it’s just weird. I remind my kids that my parents did not allow boys in my bedroom, or even “down the hall” until I was married. Even my best guy friends were never allowed in my room. Virtual chatting applies to this rule. Kids can screen shot in a skinny minute and you don’t want your daughter in her nightie circulated ever.
7) IF YOUR MOM, DAD, GRANDMA, GRANDPA, PRINCIPAL OR PRIEST WILL NOT LIKE WHAT THEY READ OR SEE, DO NOT PUBLISH. Kids have the hardest time understanding the scope of texting or instagramming. This is their digital tattoo that will follow them their entire life. The internet never lies. Ever. It’s your job as a parent to constantly remind them of the digital thumbprint – over and over again.
8) IF YOU {HEART} YOUR BOYFRIEND IN YOUR INSTAGRAM BIO, IT’S FAIR GAME FOR MOM/DAD HAZING. This is just a funny tongue and cheek rule in my house that makes us giggle. It is completely harmless when they get their first boyfriends and girlfriends, but it’s like a big billboard announcement and we get to tease. I secretly hope that my girls will be “too cool” for this trend when their day comes to date, but I know I’m an old lady in their eyes and am not a middle schooler today in the modern world. So it’s allowed I guess, but be ready for some serious ragging! P.S. Dating in middle school is really just texting, facetiming and insta hearting. If it’s more than that, then Plyms are O-U-T:-)
9) EXPERIENCE THE REAL WORLD THROUGH YOUR OWN EYES, NOT THROUGH THE LENS OF A DEVICE. This one hit me when we were at the Taylor Swift concert recently. My daughter was “the only person on the planet who didn’t get a phone for graduation” (umm, seriously doubt that, sista!). When I looked down our row, every single person was videoing the concert through the tiniest lens. I thought, what a bummer that is, to miss the whole concert, all so you can post on instagram? Put it away and explore the world old school.
10) TRAIN THEM YOUNG ON THE IMPORTANCE OF WIFI USAGE. Trust me, as you add new data hogs, you’ll want them trained to continue to sniff out wifi access everywhere they go. This will save you some serious coin. Unless you are lucky enough to be grandfathered in to unlimited data (which are going away), your data will be depleted in a skinny minute. Especially if they are streaming video. Your kids should be used to this strategy with their earlier tablets and iPods. My kids are actually better at turning their wifi on than I am. Now when we get the “you are at 90% of your data usage, would you like to buy more?” texts, my kids always laugh because Mom is the biggest offender. That’s ok, I’m paying that bill:-)
11) SET UP A SPECIAL RINGTONE FOR MOM & DAD CALLS/TEXTS. I will never forget when my daughter first got her phone in 6th grade, she would never respond to my important texts, like how she was getting home from practice and such. When confronted, she said with a huff “MOM, do you KNOW how many texts come in when I turn my phone on at the end of the school day?” Umm, I don’t really care, but you better figure out how to answer our calls and texts. Because that’s the primary purpose of this device.
12) MOM OR DAD ALWAYS GET THE UPGRADES. My kids will never own the newest iPhone because me or Dad trump them. We are highest on the totem pole and that’s just how it works. So add this component to something that I actually am looking forward to – I get the 6+ when we get the next phone. So there, perks for us too.
By enforcing these rules at a young age, and sticking to them, your social media parenting life will be off to an excellent start.
What did I miss? Share your rules below – it takes a village!
10 comments
Thanks for this! Have two going through this just now and this is all good information and much needed help!
Better yet, don’t get them a cell phone until high school (flip phone, not a Smartphone). This has worked great in my home (with 4 kids). My kids are all involved in extra-curricular activities and I never once had an issue, or emergency with them. If they needed a cell phone, 15 were nearby! Parents cannot manage cell phone use properly, regardless of all the rules you set in place. It becomes the child’s activity of choice, they cannot self regulate the use (this is what parents don’t realize). My kids never moaned about it, and I feel I gave them a better childhood because they weren’t bogged down with a cell phone and all the issues that come with it. It’s perfectly OK to tell your kids NO on the cell phone issue, you’re actually giving them a gift! Why do parents feel the need to throw their kids into this world at such a young age?
By the way, if you do get your child a cell phone your rules are good ones, but recommendations for managing cell phone use are well intentioned but often not useful or practical in the real world. Experts at Harvard University just came out with a study about teens and cell phone/social media use. What they found was that teens are experiencing an overwhelmingly large range of difficult situations and pressures, and that they’re unlikely to go to adults for help unless those situations are overtly hostile or dangerous. Juat more information to consider if you feel your child needs a cell phone!
I completely understand where you are coming from! Sometimes I wonder what the world would be like going “old school”, just like we were growing up. However, the reality of our children’s lives is that technology is here to stay. Our kids have technology all around them and they are comfortable with it. They know no differently as they have grown up with it their entire lives. By completely sheltering them from it, they will not be prepared to enter the real world. Keep in mind that if your child has an iPod, iPad, Kindle Fire, tablet, etc. they already have access to EVERYTHING that a cell phone already provides. They just don’t have the mobile component. Perhaps middle school is too young, perhaps not. It’s all a personal choice and needs to be a choice that your family is comfortable with. Cell phone or no cell phone. I am a connected multi-media family – so we are choosing this route! We will learn along the way!
You can also set up their phones so their photos will automatically go to iCloud and you can view them on your device as well. Or you can have them sent to a private Dropbox account.
Love this idea! Although, I had that going on and my icloud storage got completely depleted – my fault too. I just have too many kids:-)
Gave our first a phone before going into 6th grade. Gave her my old iPhone 3G. It is so old it can only talk and text. Won’t take apps, videos or FaceTime. : ) (She does have an iPad mini for that stuff, but she can’t carry that around all day). It was a great “training phone”. Agree with ALL of your rules and love it.
Nice! I wish I had my first iphone – that would be PERFECT!
Love it!!! I foresee some new rules coming down on my future middle schooler
My kids, boys, just got their first cell phones. Both are in high school and both have pre paid so that if they don’t manage their phone time and data they will run out before the end of the month. Both have flip phones but they can access the web. They do however have game systems and laptops/tablets also but we have it set up on the router to where internet is cut off from those devices at 10:00 at night. Other then that they stay in their rooms unless they can’t stay off of them playing games. 🙂