December 7, 2014

Dear Elf on a Shelf . . . What the Hell is Wrong with you?

Let me begin by saying, what the hell?

Your propaganda makes me vomit. You were once a cute elf sold in adorable stores that smelled of hot apple cider sprinkled with lovely memories. You were understated. You politely stared at the wrong doings of my children from a proper distance. You didn’t have a pet, a movie, a collectible book series or an attitude.elf-on-the-shelf-e1384447891694

Now your smug face is plastered everywhere. How many shelves at Target are dedicated to your commercialism? For the love, you aren’t Buzz Lightyear or a Disney Princess, you’re an elf. You shouldn’t even be in Target. You should be in the North Freaking Pole or a quaint shop where you are one of a kind. What exactly does selling out taste like? I imagine peppermint candy canes laced with mass marketing?

Your magic is tarnished my friend.

Tarnished.

When did the luster fade? Probably when you started selling tiny clothes and other crap. Riddle me this, how does one put a skirt on you? Per your legend, you can’t be touched. Get your story straight you publicity hog.

This year, you require a pet.

Yes, a pet.

Apparently, you have a reindeer who helps you fly to the North Pole. The hell? How do we explain to our kids that their elf never came with a pet so he has no assistance flying home? You can’t just change the entire story! It’s ridiculous! Next year you will probably sell an Elf of the Shelf for your Elf on a Shelf. Similar to American Girl Dolls for your American Girl Doll (dumbest idea ever). Just evil. You are confusing the hell out of children. And for what? A lousy buck. You’re better than this.

Why don’t you title your next best selling book, ‘Hey Kids, There is no Santa’. How are parents going to explain this bull to our kids? Look at all these elves, aren’t they cute? They fly and talk to Santa. But, first they need mittens, a reindeer, a sports jersey and a good kick in the face. You may be able to pull this with toddlers, but what about older children? Your antics are blowing the secret of Santa. Older kids figure out your truth way too early. And for good reason, your marketing yourself to every big box store in the United States. They get it.

So, focus up you over sensationalized cheeky little dwarf. I hope you take a long look at yourself and fly back to Santa for forgiveness. Kids are now bowing down to your shrine while the Big Guy is doing all the work. I’m sure Santa just shakes his jolly beard when he catches a glimpse of you flying into the workshop with a Chicago Bears jersey. Who do you think you are?

Finally, stop creating chaos in my house. Bench pressing marshmallows? Taking down lights? Leaving chocolate for the kids? Enough. First you steal Santa’s thunder and now your acting like a leprechaun? Have you no shame? And honestly, what the hell are you looking at???

Keep this nonsense up and you’re going to find yourself in the clearance rack of a dusty Tuesday Morning. Soon, all of American is going to wake up and realize you’re nothing but a bully and a spy. The Benedict Arnold of the Holiday Season. Take my advice, stop. Hurl yourself up on the tallest shelf you can find and move. That’s it. No flying reindeer, no craptastic coordinating mittens and scarves, no mischief. Just move. Give families a reason to love you again.

Stick to the program. Because if not, I’ll put that stupid jersey on you right in front of my children. I’ll watch as your magic oozes out because you’ve been “touched” and they will no longer believe in your silly rules. So, find yourself a nice boutique, warm up some apple cider and smile.

Be smart, leave the propaganda to the pros, their parents and Walt Disney.

18 Responses

  1. Heidi Hosmer says:

    I love this, Krista! Hilarious!!

  2. Tina Hicks Tina says:

    Love it so true! I beg all my friends with newborns to NOT buy a Freaking Elf! Do NOT buy into it!!

  3. Jennifer Voorhees Jen V. says:

    Great post! I’m still in the toddler phase and have just blown past all the extras and shenanigans but worry that’s rapidly approaching! Damn you elf!

  4. April says:

    Krista, I met you in that crazy long line at Michael’s! Didn’t realize you were a CSP blogger. Love this one….it’s so true!

  5. Marc says:

    Yes! You are so right. The elf is cool as long he doesn’t make any money for the idea and effort. But… As soon as the elf ” makes it big” he is an evil imperialistic pig. Worthy to buy in hard to get shops but an embarrassment if sold to masses. Such a backwards and selfish way to see things. I guess you think only you and your small group of yuppie mommies should be able to buy the elf at the boutique you describe. Once the elf goes to target and is more available to us mass poor peoe you have an issue. Well we apologize, we will be carefull not to ruin your fun anymore by buying your unique gifts. Merry Christmas.

    • brit says:

      The Elf on the Shelf is always the same price…so whether you buy from a small business (nice to support) or Target, you’re paying the same price. I interpreted this as I believe it was intended…lighthearted but a wake up call as well. Can we scale back a bit and appreciate the stuff that really matters? Faith, Family, friends & kindness. Everyone’s priorities are different but can we agree that maybe we lose sight of them from time to time. Material things are not the answer. There is nothing wrong with the Elf on the Shelf in general but there certainly can be too much of a good thing! Merry, Merry Christmas!!!

  6. Krista Wilson Krista Wilson says:

    Merry Christmas to you to Marc! May the joy of the Holiday spirit be with you and your family at this special time.

    p.s. You totally misread this blog. Happy New Year! ~ Krista

  7. Spies says:

    Kozak. I for one am counting down the days until someone’s older kid tells Gigi all of it is a lie. Until then, Oh Tannenbaum!

  8. anne w says:

    Krista, I’ve been preaching this for years. I am so so very annoyed by this. I don’t know if you heard at Macy’s parade that NBC announcers said “from the MAKERS of elf on the shelf,” when the elf balloon appeared. I gasped and held my breath waiting for the girls to ask what? Melvin (our elf) is manufactured…it’s only a matter of time. I keep it simple over here. No antics with Melvin, he just moves, but bottom line, I’m temped to just OUT him altogether. I am so so so on your same page. You are speaking my language sister, as always. XOXO.

  9. Susan says:

    I had an elf from Annalee dolls when I grew up, and it moved as long as everyone behaved. You were not allowed to touch it. It came dec 1 and left with Santa. That was it. The elf was much cuter than the Elf on the Shelf. How can any kid except to believe when the elf is promoted as such and for sale in stores? And, all this other stuff is tooooo much. I wish it had not been commercialized. My boys have an Annalee elf, and I love that it is totally different.

  10. Jennifer says:

    Amen Sistah!
    Well put.

  11. Romelle says:

    I have Elf on the Shelf as a tag that leads to my blog. I get depressed every year reading the Google searches connected to it. Kids asking why Santa doesn’t bring them an elf, asking if their elf can talk.,asking if their elf is real, etc. Then the searches from parents asking what to do if their kids touch the elf, ask about the elf, or question the elf. Both groups are sad. I’m glad to see someone trying to get everyone to lighten up already!

  12. BB says:

    I so wish that we had never started that elf at our house. I forget to move the damn thing and then we have to come up with a story for that. Our elf JUST moves nothing else because I’m flipping tired and I’m good to just get it in another spot. My sister however told her daughter that only BAD kids get elves (only because she is to cheap to buy one) so that is a pain in the tush when it comes to having my niece over at Christmas. Saw this blog posted on a friends fb page and love it! 🙂 Merry Christmas

  13. KMcKean says:

    Preach it, sista!! You said it all beautifully…you should send it to the makers of the Elf.

  14. Britt Yett says:

    Just too good! Hilarious and spot on!

  15. Victoria says:

    Ha, ha. I also told my kid that the elves are more for kids who are more on the naughty/nice fence in r w sponse to “why does my friend have one and I don’t? “

  16. Shannon says:

    Love the blog. Our Elf does not make trouble he just moves from place to place each night! I will have to say that my 12 year old still believes in Santa because of this elf! He secretly wrote a letter to Santa asking if he were real telling him how he could behave better and asked what santas favorite cookies were. We found this note and constructed a letter back telling him that believing helped keep the Christmas spirit alive and that my cookies were santas favorite

  17. Sara says:

    Yeah, I’m kinda pissed that I didn’t think of it first, too!

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