Polly Pocket is a Punk

Fact.

Polly was created by Mattel to torture mothers.

Polly Pocket has a head smaller than Barbie’s credit card (American Express Black, if you were wondering). Polly’s shoes are the size of a single grain of sand. Her accessories require tweezers and the patience of a Nun.

Polly, like Barbie, has everything.

Tropical Party Yacht? Yes.

Party Time Mall? Hell yes.

Tree Party House? Highflying yes.

Party Time Coffee House? Caffeinated yes.

Party Time Candy Shop? Chocolate covered yes.

Pet Shop Party? Bow wow yo yippie yo yippie, yes.

The obvious question here is why Polly is always partying? What type of employment allows her to have that kind of social life? I’m not trying to start rumors, but seriously? Her priorities are clearly messed up and, quite frankly, I’m slightly jealous.

Unlike Barbie’s calming pink hue, Polly’s world is a flashy mix of insane bold colors. The purple, lime green, and hot pink combination make me want to go into a dark corner and suck on a lollipop (yes, that was a reference to raves, I am from Orlando).

Polly’s products are cheaper than those stupid Pillow Pets (which, by the way, are genius and I wish I invented). Polly’s plastic parts are small and stupid and never work. My personal favorite is the “ultimate wall bundle” where you can connect Polly’s world to a wall so your child can make her zip-line from zone to zone.

What the?

HEEEEELLLLLL NO. I’m not installing that wacky contraption to my wall. Besides, why does she have to zip everywhere? Can’t she walk like regular people or are her feet to dang small to operate? That’s probably it.

Polly’s clothes are either snapped on or are made of rubber. Both options stink because her stupid head falls off when you change her. Have you ever seen a four year old fear they’ve killed their mini doll? Well, yeah, it sucks. And, speaking of suck, I get huge satisfaction out of sucking Polly up in a vacuum cleaner. While it does horrible things to my Dyson (which, by the way, does lose suction), it does wonderful things for my happiness level.

Polly Pocket shoes are ridiculous and should be outlawed. Children have swallowed Polly’s shoes and undergone surgery to remove them from their stomachs. Isn’t that enough to make Mattel stop production? No way. Mattel is probably brain storming a Shoe Store Wall Party as I type. Truthfully, when I find a Polly Pocket shoe in my house, I throw it away. Because, I hate that stupid doll and don’t care if she goes barefoot (and she can’t walk because she zip-lines). I know people who glue Polly’s shoes on. Uh, no. No, I’m not spending time gluing couture shoes on a doll. No way.

While I’m fairly certain Mattel didn’t create Polly Pocket to personally torture me, I can’t be 100% sure. All I know is that she is no longer safe in my house. I’ve had enough with her partying lifestyle and mini eye rolls (okay, she hasn’t actually rolled her eyes at me, but I think she looks like the sort who would). It is for this reason that one of my New Years resolutions is to purge Polly from my life . . .

oh,

and to get a party yacht.

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