Death by Pumpkin

Dear Consumers,

I love fall, I love pumpkin, I love the crisp air . . .

I don’t love the overuse of the name, touch, taste, and feel of pumpkin. Take a moment to reflect on the pumpkin sized nonsense blowing up around us. Pumpkin drinks, breads, muffins, candles, candies, tampons (just making sure I’ve got your attention), beers, and coffees. Literally every woman I know is walking around in yoga pants holding a Pumpkin Spiced Latte. I’ve had enough. Tone it down people, this is getting ridiculous.

Late August it begins. Pumpkin essence explodes all over stores, products, and displays. At first I get excited, and then I have to tell myself to chill the hell out because the pool is still open. The signs for Pumpkin Spice Latte begin popping up like a zit before prom night. August is the hottest month of the year so it makes total sense people want a steaming cup of liquified pumpkin pie. I’m sorry, I don’t ride the “PSL” fan train. Who cares the drink is ten years old? That’s nine too long. I’m sorry Starbucks, you had me at “hello” but what the heck is going on with your fall lineup? Stop pairing pumpkin muffins with pumpkin icing with a pumpkin latte. Stop it right now. Use some of your artisan mind power to expand beyond the pumpkin. The poor gourd is tired, give it a rest.

The pumpkin revolution is exhausting and a tad disgusting.

Pumpkin Spice flavored Pringles?

Pumpkin Pasta?

Pumpkin Vodka?

Pumpkin Tacos?

Pumpkin Lotion? Lather that stuff on and pray you don’t sweat. Can you imagine the aroma of thanksgiving oozing from your pores?

I’d like to have a conversation with pumpkins and tell them to stop being so needy. Miley Cyrus requires less attention than a pumpkin in October.

Around November pumpkin loses its status to Santa and all fall flavored items are sold at 50% off. At first I feel bad for pumpkins. A fall from grace is never pretty (just ask Britney Spears), but then I’m annoyed. Calm down pumpkin, you’re up again in like three months. I will never know how you managed to extend your season longer than Christmas. Seriously, out marketing Christmas? Genius and somewhat disturbing, like Miley Cyrus at the VMA’s. Bet she’s sucking down a Pumpkin Spiced Latte in her hand while she plans her next big publicity stunt.

Let’s all work together to put pumpkin season in perspective. Let’s respect the flavors of fall and not put them in things like toothpaste. Let’s stop tweeting, posting, or taking selfies with your PSL in your hand. Hash tagging pumpkins is insanity. Like, #insanity.

Thank you,

Management

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