In my pretend world, I’m besties with James Dyson. I think he’s real rad. Since he’s my pretend friend, I wrote him a pretend email.
You still with me? You follow? If not, then we can’t be friends because this is the kinda shiz that keeps me up on Sunday nights…tossing and turning…writing pretend emails to pretend friends…in my head…while I lie awake. I’m not normal. This I know.
Jimmy,
How goes it, bro? Listen, you’ve gone dark on me and I’m worried. I hope you’re not mad that it’s taken me sooooo long to get you the “fix it list”. Life got in the way…work, kids, husband, goofing off, wasting time, etc. etc.
I haven’t seen anything from you since the restroom hand dryer. Sorry to say but that was a GiGaNtIc let down. Your haters say it’s unsanitary because it blows germs up from the floor. Ewwww. Haters gone hate, fo sho. You need to jump on these and make hay while the sun is shining.
(1) Hangover cure: I heard you’re looking for a cure for the common cold. Quit it. Now. I would rather have the sniffles than a hangover. This will be bigger than Dyson. Way. I swear. Americans will rally around this. This affects us all – no matter your race, social status or age. Hangovers are not choosy about their victims. No one is safe. I know you don’t drink and cannot possibly understand. The power to unite the citizens of our country is in your hands. Do it.
(2) Front load washer: We all fell for it. Timber… Even Queen Smarty was a victim. Why do I need to “clean” the inside of my clothes cleaner? That is just stupid. That dog won’t hunt. HELP!
(3) Lotion dispenser pump: What clown invented this? When you use 3/4 of the bottle, it stops working. How about a better pump? How about a different container – plastic-bag-like? Surely you can figure this out. We deserve better.
(4) Interior of fridges/freezers/dishwashers: Dude. A pack of idiots designed these insides. I know you can make it right.
(5) Make-up light bulbs: You will be a hero if you can banish Kabuki and New-Jersey-Tan-Mom faces. This is maj. This is everything.
If I think of anything else, I’ll letchaknow. Holler back, okay, so I know you’re on it? Let’s grab a beer or 6 soon! Lates…
