Is there anything worse than the stomach bug? As far as bugs go, I’d say it’s right up there as one of the worst – with the infestation of the “real” bugs – lice – being a close second (that’s more like leprosy, though).
I’m pretty sure taking care of a bunch of kids with the stomach bug ranks highest in “Thankless Mom Jobs.” And according to Urgent Care, my pediatrician and various Facebook friend status updates, many of my Smarty sisters have had a taste (no pun intended) of a fierce stomach bug going around the QC. It’s not fun, and it’s not pretty. But don’t worry – we’re all in this together, my friends. You WILL survive it, and there WILL be some glory from all the guts. Just follow my simple Do’s and Don’ts. I speak from experience, ladies. Read on.
Do’s and Don’ts to surviving the Stomach Bug of ’13:
– Do enjoy the silence. Nothing like a family-wide stomach bug to squelch all bickering between siblings. They’re way too weak to care who said what to whom. Yes, it’s really sad to see them in that state, but dang, sometimes it’s kind of nice to hear nothing at all.
– Do subscribe to Netflix. There’s nothing to lose with their free trial month, and it’s a total game changer.
– Do buy disposable pads for the bed if you have children under 5 with The Bug. It will save your washer and dryer – and your sanity.
– Don’t ever leave a child without a bucket in his or her hand.
– Do videotape the 3 am bath you have to give your two-year-old because there is throw up all him (and probably all over you). Make sure to include the background screams of your other children as they also vomit. Sell it to whoever does sex ed for high schools around the country. One look at the insanity in your eyes as you wrestle a vomit-covered-soapy-slippery-screaming baby will get those raging teenage hormones in check. It’ll totally beat that birthing video they show – there are epidurals to take care of that pain. This is Real Life, sister, and there’s no anesthesiologist on call. We do it stone-cold sober. It ain’t pretty, and it ain’t for the faint of heart (example: 17 year olds). You might even receive some presidential award for this innovative way to prevent teenage pregnancy – accept it on behalf of Smarty moms everywhere, please.
– Don’t let your husband get the bug. Do whatever it takes – even it means you do all the cleaning and nursing – because let’s just say it: the only thing worse than four kids and a mom with a stomach bug is one husband with a stomach bug.
– Don’t worry about missed holidays, missed vacations, or cancelled plans. I can guarantee you the Stomach Bug of ’13 will be talked about 20 years from now at the Thanksgiving table – not the play date with Jimmy or that one trip to Great Wolf Lodge. It might not be Facebook- or Pinterest-worthy, but it’ll be memorable. It will be family lore by then, and you’ll be able to laugh it off because you’ll have new carpet and beautifully reupholstered furniture.
– Do save some of that anti-nausea prescription – you just never know when you’ll need a little pick-me-up after a big Saturday night with your BFF, Kendall Jackson.
– Do buy stock in Stanley Steamer and whatever parent company owns your favorite detergent. You will be a rich woman after they post Q2 profits.
– Do take just a second amidst all the craziness to wipe down the baseboards in the bathroom; otherwise the close-up view as your kneel in front of the potty will drive you in-freakin’-sane trying to figure out who is peeing everywhere BUT the toilet. You have bigger things to worry about – like losing a little water weight.
– Do step on the scale after the stomach bug has had its way with you. After days of starvation and dehydration, you’ll see numbers you haven’t seen in years.
– Don’t, however, look in a mirror. You might be skinny, but you are NOT pretty – even if you finally have cheekbones. Trust me on that one.
– Do try on those skinniest skinny jeans after stepping on the scale. Fit like a glove, right? You might even want to take a picture of the number you see on the scale – just so you know you weren’t hallucinating from dehydration. What is it they say? Oh yes: We are all only one stomach bug away from our goal weight. No truer words have ever been spoken.
– Don’t step on the scale or try on those skinniest skinny jeans after you hold down that first glass of water – just quietly place them back in the closet until the next stomach bug arrives. Amazing how quickly water weight comes back on, isn’t it?
– Do stop to realize that the only person on the planet your kids want with them when they’re sick is you. It’s our reason for existence. Yes, I know it can be overwhelming, but one day your son will have a wife to take care of him, and your daughter will be mothering children of her own. Our glory for the guts is that we are needed for just a short time in their lives – and I’d say it’s all worth it in the end.
Do you have any advice for other Smarty moms wrestling with that fierce bug? Do share!!
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