The average age a boy first sees pornography is 11 years old. My son is 9 1/2, but he plays up, meaning many of his friends are older. I told my husband it’s time to talk to our son about what he will eventually see. Ew.
You may be wondering why I would ever put something this disturbing on my son’s radar with the chance he may not even stumble across it for years. Here is my thinking:
Porn isn’t what it used to be. It isn’t where it used to be, either. There is a huge difference between finding your father’s old Playboys in the garage and seeing the latest envelope breaking horrors that are digitalized and accessible over every laptop, phone, and iTouch in the neighborhood. The stakes are higher. Seeing a woman’s breasts in Playboy when you are little can make you squeamish. Seeing sexual cruelty, violence, and taboos at an early age could be life changing. Read this article “The Truth About The Porn Industry” if you’re interested.
I am 99% sure my son would not tell me if he accidentally saw something pornographic unless I talked with him ahead of time. Here is what I plan to say. OK, what I plan to tell his dad to say:
“You know that some stuff on the Internet is good and some is bad. And some is very bad. When you were little we talked with you about keeping your body private and about respecting your body and other people’s bodies. On the Internet, sometimes people don’t respect their bodies or other people’s bodies. If you ever see pictures of people who are naked, I don’t want you to look at them because they might make you feel weird. I want you to know you can talk to me about it. I won’t be mad and I can help you understand if you feel confused by it.”
Nothing too overt, there, but enough that if (when?) he sees something disturbing he just might remember his dad telling him not to look and that he can talk to him about it. Call me crazy, but I feel it’s our job to get to our son ahead of the trends so he knows we’re his source for information, not his friends, and not the Internet.
11 comments
This is EXCELLENT advice – thank you!
Thank you Monica! So glad it was useful!
I think you are spot on. I’m just going to keep my twins in a bubble at age 5:-) So do we do the same conversation with girls and porn????
Jen,
YES. I just think boys tend to get more exposed and at an earlier age. But sadly, yes, gotta tell them, too.
– Michelle
Michelle, I commend you for being upfront and honest about such a taboo subject. My daughter is 6 years old with the maturity of a 9 year old. Her dad and I are divorced and we share custody. Her dad is also a closet porn addict and I fear what she might have access to on his computer. I have purchased her a netbook and set up all the parental restrictions, but we still have discussions about inappropriate content on the Internet. My belief is to communicate – on her level – and be as open and honest as I can about things that shape her values and morals as she grows up.
Thank you so much, Nancy. I can only imagine how difficult it would be to deal with a pornography addiction close to home. (In the home, in your case.) The more we can talk about it, and the more honest we are, the better off everyone will be. Thank YOU for sharing your experience. I think you are brave. – Michelle
Nice job, Michelle. Bringing authenticity to this subject and having the courage to speak up helps us all! Thank you!
I appreciate your comment so much, Susan! I hope this post sparks lots of honest conversations. – M.
Excellent article & I like your approach. It is important to prepare our kids for the dangers ahead, but you are right, we can tell them in a way that is age appropriate & doesn’t give all the details. Pornography actually can change the way the brain is wired (creating new neural pathways) & how devastating for children to be exposed to it at such young ages. Thanks so much, I think this is a very timely article.
Thank you Melanie! I had an internal debate on whether or not to cover how degrading it is to women, but decided that is a topic for an older person because it would involve too many icky details. So I stuck with how it can make you feel bad. I’m glad you liked the article. Thanks for commenting!
I think that is good advice — parents setting up the age-appropriate warning ahead of time. I have a 13-year-old boy, and we didn’t do that. In fifth grade is when I discovered him looking at porno. Kids talk. Out of curiosity, my son has gone looking so he could feel ‘in the know”. It makes me so sad to know what he has seen. By the way, kids are becoming more savvy in getting around the blocks (F.Y.I.). I am intrigued by Melanie’s comment about brain wiring — good to research. I think it’s important that moms talk and help educate each other.