Diva…Demanding… Devilish. Think I am describing Madonna or Lady Gaga? I’m not; I’m just listing words I have heard moms I know call their daughters in the last few weeks. Can a 9- month-old be a diva? Is it possible for an 18-month-old to become high maintenance? Or is it simply conditioning and what we will refer to as old fashioned “over-indulging?”
I know kids can be demanding, and I know they can be difficult, but I think the challenge is how we react to these traits. And what I see is parents giving in to the child because it is easier than the hard work it takes to address these situations as they pop up one at a time and work through them. I wonder if I will be able to do it.
Will I set boundaries early and often, to see good habits being worked on in the early months of my child’s life? I caught a segment on the Today Show recently where they featured a woman who had a 15-year-old who just expected to always get his way and have things handed to him. It was a nightmare for his parents when this didn’t happen. I wasn’t surprised by the situation, I just thought to myself , “Can you trace this back to years of over-indulging this child? Did it start with the first six months?”
It’s not something parents set out to do, but think about every trip to Target and the life lessons that are presented. Their child picks up something that is not on the shopping list. She whines and nags that she wants it and in order to keep the shopping trip on track you give in and buy it. Now what will happen next time? What about the next trip to the Harris Teeter? The child has learned that whining, badgering and throwing a fit gets her what she wants.
I have a friend, who allows her daughter to eat one piece of dog food from the dog bowl each day. Was this really easier than teaching “no” means “no”? Why is “no” such a bad word days? Why do we fear our children ever experiencing a moment of unhappiness? I have another friend who doesn’t do “tummy time” because her daughter doesn’t like it. No baby likes tummy time in the beginning, but you do it because they need to strengthen their necks and arms so they can move on to crawling. I hated seeing my daughter whine and fuss when I put her on her belly in those early weeks, but I did it because it was what she needed.
When I think about what our jobs as parents are, making my kid happy all the time is not at the top of the list. My list starts with things like – teach good eating habits, develop a love of reading, encourage a servant’s heart. I want my daughter to be happy, but know that there are boundaries she can’t cross. And at 7-months-old, we have already begun our journey together.
Now my friends all tell me that my daughter will do all of these terrible things and that I will give in and let her win, but I hope and pray that is not the case. I am ½ German and ½ Portuguese and this is not a good combination for a child who expects to push boundaries and win! I don’t fear the word ‘no’ and I don’t fear temporary unhappiness in my child. This is a long journey we are on together and I think a few early bouts of unhappiness may make for longer stretches of love and understanding down the road. Only time will tell.
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13 comments
Lisa, you are on the right track. This generation of children is absolutely overindulged, no doubt about it. The most important thing in parenthood is consistency. Once you have that mastered, the rest falls into place. I can't tell you how many tantrums my kids have thrown over candy in the Target & Harris Teeter check-out lines. What monster thought it would be a good idea to do that to the mothers you are luring into your stores?! Every time I go, at least one of my four children leaves telling me that "mommy is mean." Oh well, such is life. They'll appreciate this when they are older.
you hit the nail on the head! keep up the good (and hard work) and your child will be better for it in the end. we try to teach our children the difference between what they need and what they want, we tell them we will give them what they need, but not always what they want. seldom do we leave a store like Target with something we picked up just for fun because we saw it while we were there. dont get me wrong, it is not from lack of asking while we are there, but they know that for the most part, unless they are using their own money, I am not going to buy them something just to buy them something. we are trying to teach them to save for things that they really want rather than just buying something they see at a store and think they want right then. wish more people has the same idea as you Lisa, it would make the world a better place!
Stick to your guns! If you are starting with saying no and setting bounderies now, it will be a piece of cake when they hit 3 and 4. We started from the time our kids were not even a year, and now at 5 and 11 they are a joy to take anywhere. They know the rules, and follow them. They know that if they act up or whine, we leave the store. Best of luck to you!
I gotta tell you for the most part my kids are really good when we are out. Home, sometimes a different story. I agree with pp – consistency.
Wow, Lisa! Sounds like you have it all figured out after 7 months. You should write a book.
A servants heart isn't sharing private stories about your friends in a public manner.
I think that the best word to describe this blog is NAIVE. Period. Check in around age 4.
Hey naive, maybe you should try to get control of your children…just a thought.
I thought it is a little naive as well. Some children are more challenging then others and thats all there is to it. If its not naive then its at least a bit judgemental.
Lisa, Thank you for writing this. AMEN! I have a 4 year old and 18 month old. Now, my 18 month old is a bit more challenging than my older one was but it has simply meant that I have to work harder with him to redirect his energy and it usually involves more tears on his part than it did for my daughter. (meaning, he might throw a fit when he doesn't get his way and cry his head off but that doesn't scare me! I march on!) I disagree with the others that say you are naive and judgemental. I cringe when I see children who do not clean up/pick up after themselves, have no respect for their parents and are ungrateful. I applaud you for writing this post. It really resonated with me!
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woo wee…as I was reading this, I knew it would launch a lot of comments. I agree with most of what you said. I was strict while my children were younger (and with the one who is young now-under 5 yrs.) and made sure they knew who the boss was. As your children get older and you get to know their personalities more and they can communicate – I have found for me that it is good to pick your battles. I occasionally give in to their desires when it doesn't compromise any core principles. It can make a child feel very empowered to have a say in their lives and the decisions their parents make. Often times, if I know it's not life or death, I will give my advice and let my older child decide what she thinks is best. This is a great way to teach them. Overindulged children and their parents are NO fun to be around. I loved your post. I would only recommend that we not get too sure about our parenting techniques until our children are older and we have had 2 or more. It's like the saying "I had all the answers for parenting before I had kids".
Oh wow. This is unbelievable. Can't wait to see what happens with kid #2 or in a few months. Good luck with perfection.