Smarty Social Media Parenting Series: How to raise “nice girls” on instagram

It has been three years since I first entered the instagram world as a Smarty Mama with my oldest daughter. Some things have changed, some have remained the same. The one obvious thing that is consistent over the years is that instagram can be a stomping ground for “mean girl” behavior, but it can also be an amazing place for girls to lift each other up. I’m here to help you do the latter of these two. It’s a matter of choice and good guidance.

Many parents are terrified of social media, whether it’s facebook, instagram, snap chat, you name it. It’s the root of all teen problems these days, right? Kinda, sorta, probably not. It’s just the reality of a teen’s life, they don’t know any different. You can either be a part of their daily world or not, your choice. I would certainly encourage you to be a part of it and be present as a parent.

My oldest was in 6th grade when she got an instagram account. She definitely was late to that party and I kind of felt like I fed her directly to the wolves – which I’m pretty sure I did. Back then, it was all about likes, it didn’t matter who the liker was (the one who {hearts} her posts), it just mattered how many you got. Popularity was 100% based on your instagram following back then and it was really scary how few moms were in that sandbox. Day after day, I had to explain to my daughter that her seemingly super popular classmate who got 400 likes on her posts in the first 5 minutes really was a facade. She had over 3,000 followers at age 11, but when broken down 90% were random people from all over the world who she had never met. Turns out, she like many tweens first entering instagram had an open account, meaning anybody in the world could follow her. But my tween couldn’t truly grasp that concept and it was a quest for her to get the most followers and ultimately likes. Unfortunately (and fortunately in my eyes), my child would never achieve that insta stardom because her account was private. She can thank me for that later when she has children.

Things are different now just three years later. More and more tweens are entering instagram at an earlier age, sometimes even in 2nd & 3rd grades if they have older siblings. My 2nd daughter got her instagram account in 5th grade. I was kind of testing the waters to see if it made a difference if my child got her feet wet when the popular stuff didn’t really mean anything. She started her insta debut with sweet photos of her puppy, her cat, her stuffed animals and her delicious desserts. It was cool in the beginning because her circle of friends was smaller on instagram and boys and girls chatted naturally as friends before the middle school awkwardness hit. I loved seeing the world through my daughter’s creative lens, before it was really important for every post to be perfect. Her hair was always messy, her wit came right through that lens and it was really fun to watch. And then 6th grade happened and that sweet lens did a 180. In middle school, every post matters – from the tag or not tag of the friends in the pic, to what you are wearing and to where you are. Every.single.thing.matters. I miss the early days.

My girls are pretty laid back in nature. They do not actively seek attention, in fact they often like to keep things a little mysterious on the gram. They don’t document every single place they go, or every friend they are hanging out with. They are very thoughtful in what they are posting, or not posting. I’d like to think I had a little something to do with that. I have been aware and present on their entire social media journey, not hovering, just present. We often have lengthy conversations about what’s trending on the gram, and some of my favorite parenting life lessons have been centered around their world in it.

One thing that is pretty evident to me is that this generation of kids we’re raising is going to be passive/aggressive based on their social media upbringing. The aggressive part happens behind the screens and the passive part happens when in person. Teens can take more risks when they are hiding behind their devices and many social outings, particularly between boys and girls, get lost in translation. This is due to the fact that very little communication is actually done in person. Teens these days are so awkward in person, but sooooo chatty on their devices. I wonder how this will affect their communications skills long-term. I guess they’ll all be in it together in their 20’s, a generation lost in translation.

The aggressive part also can translate to “mean girl” behavior. I preach this motto to my girls (and boys) every single day:

TREAT OTHERS THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE TREATED.

I live this motto in my parenting life, my business life, my friend life and my family life. I’m a people person and it’s important to me that I raise good people.

I urge you as parents to get involved in your child’s social media life and understand what the hidden meanings really are. What you may see as a fun birthday post, might actually be something a little more cutting. You need to be in-the-know on the Translations of Instagram: ILYSM vs. ILY vs. TBH.

So here are my Smarty tips on how to raise girls to be “nice(er)” and a quick reference of instagram translations:

1) Pay attention, be aware and be present. If you follow this simple rule, you will be ahead of 95% of your parenting colleagues, because most of them aren’t even looking. If your child is on instagram, you should be her first friend. Your kids should know that you are in their new world from the very first day. If they are afraid that their mama will see something they are about to post, they will definitely think twice before posting. I like to say if your mom, dad, grandma, teacher or priest would be disappointed in your upcoming post, then you should not post it at all. If you reinforce this from day 1, one day it will stick. Everything they do is a part of their digital tattoo for their entire life. Now that’s something that will take time for them to fully understand and it’s your job as a parent to reinforce this all the time.

2) Log in as your child every so often. This will be the best sneak peek of what’s really going on in her world. She should know that you can and will do this at your discretion. But do not abuse it. And never comment or like anything when logged in as your child. This will break their trust in you and will ruin them socially.

3) Now that you’ve logged in as them, pay attention to trends – such as the tagging/untagging in photos. Girls in middle school are constantly trying to figure out who they are, who their friends are, and where they want to be. This is a very natural process but can be hard to watch as a parent because some girls are very competitive when it comes to who is most popular, who will make them more popular, etc. Time and time again, I see the stronger-willed kids tagging only certain kids who they deem most popular, leaving the quieter kids behind. For example, it really hurts when your daughter sees that her BFF since kindergarten just posted a “Happy New Year!” post only to find that she was not tagged in her friend’s Top 20 people who made her year “AMAZING!”. Make no mistake, these posts are very calculated and never unintentional. So when this happens to your kid, and trust me, it will, use it as teaching opportunity. Instead of focusing on the fact that you personally want to hang that friend upside down and shake her, talk to your child about how she feels and make sure she doesn’t ever make anyone else feel this way by anything she ever posts. In a sense, remember what it feels like. Because she’ll never want to relive that feeling either. This is called empathy.

4) Your child will often feel left out, walk them off this ledge. Thanks to instagram, basically every single outing girls do as a group will be documented. Sometimes the exclusion is intentional, but more often than not, it’s just a matter of happenstance. So maybe your child sees a huge group at the mall on instagram and two of her besties are in that group, but didn’t invite her. What she doesn’t know is that this outing may have been planned by the new girl in the class, but your child is in a different class. So this girl may not even know your child and would not even think to include her. Your child may see this as excluding. But it’s really just a matter of new friends. Or your child may see three of her friends hanging out all the time and she is wondering why she is never included. What your child may not realize is that these three friends all carpool or do the same sport. They spend more time together and have more spontaneous outings together. None of these scenarios are malicious, but your child feels left out. This is just part of growing up, unfortunately nothing is kept a secret due to social media and your child will have to navigate this. I tell my girls this when they feel mopey about not being included – “Girls, you gotta make the party happen! Don’t wait around for the invite, YOU plan the next fun adventure!” They didn’t call me “Julie McCoy” for no reason:-)

5) Direct messaging threads. This one can sneak up on you when your child first gets on the gram because it’s kind of tricky to find. But it’s there and you just need to take a peek every once in a while. This is somewhat of a sneaky and seemingly safe area for kids to feel like they are in a private group and can say anything they want. You might see some teacher trash-talking that might turn into friend/peer trash talking and you want to nip that in the bud immediately. This will eventually die down as your child gets older and the insta DM’ing will turn into group texts which will ultimately turn into snapchat – YOUR FUTURE! But we’ll save this for another day.

6) Discourage your tween from over-posting. This is SOOOOO hard for them in the beginning, they want to share E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G and shout from the rooftops! But just as we get annoyed by our friends on fb, they too will get annoyed from that over-poster who shares way too much.

7) Try to avoid the “Starbucks with her” or “Ice skating with her” posts. This translates too “Ha, ha – you weren’t invited!” or a quest to be that girl’s best friend. Try to encourage a less shallow post and delete the “with her” title, which kind of implies a snotty tone. And change it to “This girl makes me laugh and smile all day long!” Just a little wordsmithing makes the post so much nicer.

8) Birthday Party posting etiquette. This is more important than Cotillion in my opinion! If your daughter attends a birthday party and chooses to post a picture, then she must a) include the birthday girl in it and b) tag the birthday girl. Now your child is not required to post a birthday photo at all if she doesn’t want to, but if she does, for the love of God, it’s all about the birthday girl on her special day. Not about you and your other BFF posting at the party and dissing everyone else there. Along these same etiquette lines, the party-goers need to check with the birthday girl to see if it’s ok to post pics of the party. Follow her lead, because she may not want these posted everywhere so she doesn’t hurt anyone’s feelings. Which leads me to…

9) The birthday collage. These tributes on insta are to celebrate the birthday girl on her day and they are filled with inside jokes, photos, videos, and such. But yowza, this can be a tween-petition like no other and is all about the BFF PDA and who is the BESTEST BFF. The “Be-Fri” “st ends” charms that we grew up with and fought hard for have been completely replaced by this instagram lovefest. It’s game on to see who got the post up first, sometimes right at midnight, which will give that bestie prospect major bonus points. While these tributes can be very sweet, they often have many hidden meanings even in the comments back from the birthday girl. And don’t be surprised when these get taken down if there is a fight and a BFF break-up, all in full sight of the entire 6th grade. So just observe from the sidelines. There isn’t much to do here but watch. And know that the BFF race will all end by 8th grade, they’ll have their friend group and they will be happy with it:-)

10) The inevitable Mall Post. You know, the URBAN group pic, kinda like the one above?! The mall is a great hangout place for middle schoolers and that URBAN sign is on insta feeds on every day school is out and on most weekends. This trend is on fire for 6th graders and usually ends once they hit 7th grade. But it can be very catty. Mall pics are riddled with lots of exclusions, even of besties in the same friend group. And the tags will tell it all. Whoever was tagged in the photo was at the outing and it’s in your face if you were not tagged.

11) Like for a TBH. Which turns into a rate and date. Which is just a glutton for punishment and putting that person in a very vulnerable situation. But it happens all the time, and you can’t avoid it. Just grit your teeth and maybe even close your eyes. So here’s how it goes:

“Like for a TBH!” or “Comment for a TBH!” is listed on the pic. Then the other person will leave something like “r8, 9.3, date idk” somewhere on that person’s insta account and they’ll see the message come in. So the TBH means “To be honest” and the other means “Rate: 9.3, date, I don’t know”. I guess these are harmless, but I just don’t like them and cringe when I see my kids partaking in this reindeer game.

12) finsta accounts. These are fake instagram accounts. The creators of the accounts often limit who can follow them and are much bolder in their photos and comments and tags. Some are fine, others not so much. Just pay attention. I’ve seen 8th graders talk about some seriously deep problems via their finsta accounts and they think it’s just their small friend group reading it.

13) Encourage your daughter to be creative. Have her reflect on her insta feed and review it together. Does this reflect the person she is trying to portray? Is it diverse? Is it creative? Is it smart? Is it funny? Because this is the way the world sees her.

14) Everyone’s life seems so much better than it really is on instagram. That’s true for all ages. Who wants to post something that doesn’t look cool or fun?! Remind your kids that social media is all about what people want you to believe. Not necessarily how they really feel deep down. That’s why hanging out in person is SO MUCH COOLER!!

It’s doubly hard for us mamas to go through the middle school journey with our kids. We feel every bump and fall that our kids experience as if it’s piercing through us. But as long as we are there for them and guiding them along the way, they’ll survive. We all did, right?!

Share your middle school stories below!