Smarties, meet Kelly Burton. Her name might sound familiar to you because almost two years ago we published a speech she had given on living with the grief of losing her first child, Liam (if you didn’t get a chance to read it, click here – it’s powerful!).
Kelly and I met in college as sorority sisters at UNC-Chapel Hill (you probably heard our collective sobs last week when the Heels lost…), and, although we’ve both been busy managing our own broods, it’s been such fun keeping up with her on social media. She and I both dated our now-husbands in college, so for some reason I feel this funny connection to she and Anthony. I always love to see how relationships that started out at {the best campus in the world} can blossom into this thing called Real Life :-). Her Real Life includes a supportive hubby, the CUTEST twin girls ever, and a busy career – yep, she’s pretty much the living, breathing definition of a Smarty mom (speaking of breathing, I bet she KILLS it a yoga – she’s a former UNC gymnast!)!
Since Kindermourn’s annual Duck Race is quickly approaching, I thought now would be the perfect time to highlight this amazing mama – she’s got such incredible insight into the grieving process and offers great advice to others who have either experienced loss themselves OR have friends who’ve experienced loss. (I’m finding that the more time I spend in Real Life, the more advice I need on how to handle it. Kelly’s got it.)
Enjoy getting to know this super bright, strong, beautiful, and inspiring Smarty Mom, Kelly Burton!! And, Kelly, thanks so much for sharing your story and your sweet family – it’s such an honor to highlight a friend! 🙂 Go Team Liam!!!
Smarty Mom: Kelly Burton
Smarty Mom Stats:
Married to: Anthony (for 13 years)
Children: Abbie & Lily (Age 6)
Occupation: High Yield Research Analyst with Babson Capital
Years in Charlotte: 38 (all but college)
Hometown: Charlotte (Go South Meck Sabres!)
‘Hood: Sarah Hall
Alma Mater: UNC-Chapel Hill (BSBA) and Wake Forest University (MBA)
CSP posted your beautiful speech about a year and a half ago on what you learned from your first sweet angel, Liam. Has your grief journey changed any since writing that speech? If so, how?
I do love the phrase “grief journey” because it’s truly a never-ending process. This many years out from our loss, some days are relatively easy; yet there are still those moments when it all hits me again like a ton of bricks. I’ve felt that more recently in honestly answering some thoughtful questions about Liam’s death from one of our daughters, who is especially tenderhearted. Seeing the genuine emotion my stories evoked from her were further proof of how tragic this event was for our family. I still try to think of Liam mostly from a place of gratefulness for the gifts he gave us rather than stay mired in the great void that was left behind when he died. But on certain days, most of all his birthday on January 30, the pang in my heart runs deep and I just wish he could be a healthy, growing boy here with us. I will never fully shake the depth of the sorrow I felt in those first days, weeks and months, following his death. Nor would I want to. But I do like to daydream about what he would look like, what sports he’d play, how tall he would be, who his friends would be…each year as his birthday passes.
How is he still a part of your daily life?
I see Liam every day as a wake up and as I go to sleep because his pictures are displayed in my room. Our girls pray for him at night. We talk about him casually and visit his grave on occasion. But he reaches me the most in my moments of anxiety and stress. Because he’s there to remind me that nothing I’m currently struggling with can match what I already went through in 2008. Like every mom, I get frustrated when our lives get too frenetic or our kids are not cooperating, listening, being nice, you name it. But Liam is always in the back of my head, keeping me aware of how absolutely lucky I am to be parenting these two wonderful little ladies and that the life we have together could all change in an instant. He tells me to be Thankful and Breathe through it.
What would you tell a mother who just recently experienced a stillbirth or infant death?
Words alone can only bring so much comfort. A mom who is grieving her baby will need to do what works best for her in those initial stages of grief. For me, it involved going on a lot of walks with my dog, taking long baths, slowly seeing friends in small settings and staying away from work for three months. For others, they may yearn for more activity or socialization. Whatever helps, do it. Whatever hurts can wait.
My very first words, though, are always, “I am so sorry.” They are such simple words, but I know I appreciated hearing them because some people were too scared to say anything at all. I felt terribly alone, like I bore a scarlet letter of some kind on my chest. While there are thousands of stillbirths each year, they typically occur in only about 1% of pregnancies. But the fact is, we’re unfortunately not alone. Websites such as facesofloss.com prove this, and provide a place of sharing and connection for grieving mothers seeking support through the Internet.
Of course for local moms, I cannot emphasize enough how important KinderMourn can be as a place of healing and hope following such a heartbreaking loss. A mom who has lost her baby is very likely to feel like she is losing her mind, which is totally normal considering her world has been turned upside down. Trained counselors and tailored support groups like those offered at KinderMourn allow that mom to find a safe place to land and ask questions about her grief and how to begin to move forward.
What advice would you give to friends of those mothers who lose infants – how can our Smarty “village” help others going through similar tragedies?
Just be present. This can be in the form of phone calls, text messages, emails, cards, flowers, meals, lunch dates, arranging childcare options for her to spend time on herself if she has living children, etc. If she needs space, she will let you know. But waiting for her to ask for help may never happen either. I can’t tell you how uplifting it was to have meals arrive at our home unannounced by friends. I had no room in my brain to manage meals and it really sustained us in those first days.
Be careful with your words. “I’m really sorry” or “I can’t imagine what you’re going through” works. “God only gives us what we can handle” or “This is all part of God’s plan” may not. Pithy, upbeat, religiously charged sayings can feel much more painful than helpful. A grieving parent does not need to be rushed into feeling better. They need to sit with their grief and know that love surrounds them and will wait for them to come out of the darkness. It’s that simple. I do believe in the power of prayer, however. A grieving mom will be comforted if she knows that friends and family are rallying around her, hurting with her and thinking about how they could ease her suffering.
Let her talk about her child. This is probably where a lot of people get very uncomfortable and everyone grieves differently and will be on varying planes of what they want to share. But as Liam was all I could think about in my early days of grief, I needed an outlet to share the sequence of events surrounding his delivery and the hours we had with him. I needed confirmation that Liam existed and I was eager to share the images of him taken by Faith Massey, who volunteers with the amazing organization, Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. Invite the mom to tell you about her child if and when she’s willing. You may be surprised by how much spills out. You bringing up her child’s name won’t hurt her more than she’s already hurting. If she cries, that’s also okay. She’s likely crying all the time, even if she hides it well.
Your family participates in and raises money for Kindermourn’s Hope Floats Duck Race every year – give us some details on the event and what we can do to get involved. 
The KinderMourn Hope Floats Race is taking place at the Whitewater Center on Sunday, May 1st, from 2-5pm, with the ducks dropping around 3:30pm. I encourage everyone to adopt ducks to have a chance at winning some great prizes and to come out early to see 20,000 ducks race to the finish line! Team Liam has been the largest team for the past 3 years and our goal is to get to 2,000 ducks this year. New members are always welcome! The duck race is a unique way for the city of Charlotte to support grieving families through KinderMourn’s largest annual fundraiser. It’s a very special day and fun for all ages.
How has KinderMourn been instrumental in your journey?
The moment I stepped into the KinderMourn home and was introduced to what it could offer, I felt more at ease. KinderMourn allows a grieving mom to know she’s not alone, that her pain is reflective of the great love she has for her child, and that caring people are available to help guide her through the rollercoaster ride of grief. I learned it was okay that my husband and I grieved differently. I could talk openly about the panic I felt counting down the days to my original due date and I received advice on how to assimilate back into the real world and approach my return to work. I was given permission to grieve in my own way, in my own time and to face it in a healthy way, head on, rather than charge forward and try to repress it. For Anthony and me, KinderMourn felt like a whole new lifeline of support as we were walking through it all real-time with other parents going through very similar circumstances. I don’t think I’d be where I am today had I not attended those support groups.
You’re now a busy working mom of twin girls! What’s surprised you the most about raising twins?
All the crying we’d all do in those first weeks? ☺ Seriously, while the first year was a lesson in stamina, we now find it fairly easy to raise twins as the girls are the best of friends and play so well together. I feel blessed to be able to witness the incredible bond twins share on a daily basis. It’s so fun.
How do you find work/life balance in your day-to-day life?
I’ve recently embraced the notion that the term “balance” is unfeasible when it comes to working moms! We just put way too much pressure on ourselves to reach this unrealistic expectation. Some days I arrive at my desk before sunrise and end up only seeing the girls at bedtime, while other days I need to leave work early to take a sick kid home from school or attend a special event. My Type A personality initially led me to strive to give 100% to everything – being a good Mom, a good wife, a good daughter, a good employee, a good friend, all while staying fit at the same time – and I was just left feeling exhausted and failing. I’m now trying to feel satisfied if I can get closer to 75-80% in most aspects of my life on any given day. And I’d be remiss if I didn’t give a huge shout out to those who even make my career a possibility – Anthony, who carries more than his fair share of the parenting load despite managing his own demanding job at Wells Fargo; our parents who always come to our aid at a moment’s notice; and our forever nanny, Rosie!
You were a gymnast your whole life, and were on the gymnastics team all four years at UNC-Chapel Hill. Are you steering your girls toward the beam or are they going in a different direction?
Back to that Type A personality – gymnastics tends to either attract or breed perfectionists, so we’re not convinced it’s the only sport to pursue! One of our girls totally fits the profile of a gymnast as she loves to swing, climb, be upside down – and be perfect at everything – so we’ll see. In the meantime, both girls are enjoying both recreational gymnastics classes at the YMCA and private swim lessons at Charlotte Swim Academy.
What does being a collegiate athlete mean to you now?
I feel so fortunate to have had the opportunity to be a collegiate athlete. I was far from being a star athlete as I walked onto the team and mostly rode the bench. But I made lifelong friends out of my teammates, was in the best shape of my life and had a blast being a part of the UNC athletics scene.
What advice would you give parents who have children with the talent, skill, and/or drive to make play sports in college?
Encourage it if the talent and desire is there, but if the sport becomes all-consuming at the detriment of academics, then I would pull back. Alternatively, if the sport begins to feel more like a job than a fun passion, then pursuing the sport from a more relaxed, recreational standpoint is going to be the healthier way to go.
What advice would you give kids who hope to one day play sports in college?
My longtime coaches, Len and Ron Clemmer, used to call me “The Turtle” as I may not have been as naturally talented as other gymnasts but would often end up ahead in competitive settings as I loved the sport and could work harder in the gym than just about anyone. If you have a passion for your sport, then give it your all and keep practicing to hone your skills. But if varsity level sports are out of reach, many colleges have excellent club level teams that will not be as demanding on your time and give you more freedom to get involved in other kinds of on campus activities and organizations.
Can you still do a back tuck? 🙂
I have no idea but I’m too scared to try, except maybe on a trampoline! These old bones are creaky after many years of flipping☺
Now for the Smarty lightening round…
Favorite beauty product? Darphin CC Cream to lightly hide away my early morning alarms!
Favorite way to stay in shape? I love to mix it up between hot yoga, running, HSM Core and personal training sessions.
Best way to stay sane as a working mama? Um, I’m not sure my husband would think I’m actually sane most days. But yoga, great girlfriends, regular date nights, nighttime books and snuggles with my girls, and wine are all pretty crucial! And, of course, the village we have in helping us raise the girls.
Lip gloss or lipstick? Lipstick – that for some reason can never last more than 5 minutes on me. So most often, something simple like Burt’s Bees.
Dream vacation? Our 10 year anniversary trip to Italy has topped all others but we also fell in love with Banff and Lake Louise.
Favorite dinner? Grilled pizza from Zio’s for a casual dinner or take-out. Fig Tree for a nice dinner date. I work too much to really cook on the weekdays, but love experimenting in the kitchen for Sunday dinners.
Favorite cocktail (you’re a working mom of twins – we know you have a fave cocktail! :-))? Is All The Cocktails an answer?? Really, I’m pretty easy to please and most often go for a simple glass of chardonnay.
Netflix or ol’ fashioned cable? We are in the middle of a renovation so recently made the switch to Time Warner Cable from DirecTV but we take in plenty of Netflix, too – just wrapped up all of Parks and Rec!
Paper or electronic calendar? My Outlook calendar at work keeps my world in proper order.
Best place to grab lunch in Charlotte? The Mayobird for a fun ladies’ lunch and Bernadin’s for a working lunch.
Favorite app? Although I am a research analyst covering telecom companies, my iPhone is pretty bare when it comes to apps (I have tried and failed at Snapchat!). But my Starbucks app is used way too often.
Smoothie or fresh-pressed juice? So I might be a little obsessed with I Love Juice Bar and am currently addicted to two smoothies on their menu: Blue Chocolotta and Cocoa Banana. I run in there many mornings to grab a breakfast smoothie on my way to work.
If your life as it is today could be summed up in one word, what would it be? FULL!
When Liam looks down at you from heaven, what do you hope he notices first about his family on earth? The laughter! Even on our not so pretty days as a family, we always have laughter.
