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Today’s blog by Lisa is another Smarty perspective and perfect follow-up to Susan’s great blog last week on “
My daughter turned one a couple of weeks ago, and apparently that starts open season on my procreation plans. It was like a flip was switched and the world wants to know when we were having Baby Number Two. My reaction six out of seven days of the week is – “We’re done at one.” This sends people straight over the edge. Most state confidently that I CAN’T just have one. It’s un-American; it’s against human nature; it’s a sin of some kind.
Why can’t I be one and done? I’m 35 for Pete’s sake. I have a sneaking suspicion my ovaries may have already made the decision for me.
But beyond biology, I’m not sure it’s in my heart. I am so happy, so thankful, so fulfilled by life with my daughter and husband. I don’t want for more. So why not let sleeping babies lie?
And if I’m being totally honest, I sometimes struggle to keep up with one. Balancing work and business travel, my household, being a wife, mother, sister and blogger is a lot. I felt guilty the night I sat in Burtucci’s in Warwick, RI and listened to my tired and stressed husband relive the evening with a cranky baby he struggled to get to bed. And again when I missed the 12 month pediatrician’s appointment because I was at a sales conference; it is those moments when I say I’m good with one. I am meant to have just one.
Even as I lie on the couch watching television and typing this blog, my husband is giving me reasons why we should have two children. His last rational was that we can’t play doubles in tennis as a family of three. Apparently our only option is Canadian doubles and that is not fun. Over the weekend when the weather man kept talking about snow in the forecast, Ed informed me that if we only have one child, I will have to ride on the ski lift alone because he is riding with Katherine. Apparently a three-seat chair lift is rare. Sort of like my current decision to have just one.
10 comments
Nicely said, Lisa. It is often seen as "American" to have two+ kids. If you're happy with one, and who wouldn't be – just look at her, then congratulations on being one and done.
Cost of raising a child born in 2012 in the South though college (public)= $282,000. That's one expensive doubles partner!
As an "only" who has chosen to have an "only". I understand your plight. I agree… I'm so happy now, I couldn't ever want for more!
This is in response also to "To Three or Not to Three"….As a mother three young children (4, 2 and 1) and dreams of more children in the future, I am often told, “You sure have your hands full.” My response to them with a joyful and grateful smile is, “you should see my heart.”I believe all children are a blessing from God, whether a single child or one of ten, whether the first born son, the baby girl, or the middle of the pack, each child is a gift.“Behold, children are a gift of the Lord…Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them”– Psalm 127And with each gift which God has given us to open and treasure every day, is a gift that brings joy and sorrow, excitement and frustration, and happiness and anger. But such is life (and a good one) to have all these various emotions in a single lifetime, even a single day. But can you imagine if life was so perfect and orderly that all we had was time to think about what more we wanted from life. One of the blessings in having children is that you have less time to shop for more things to fill up our homes but not our hearts, less time sit around and be idle, less time to think of what more we could do or what more we could have to make our life more "complete." The only thing that truly makes life complete is Life itself.Being a parent is no easy job with great perks; it is a hard and often unappreciated labor, but it is mportant to remember that such a task is not assigned lightly by God."The most important person on earth is a mother. She cannot claim the honor of having built Notre Dame Cathedral. She need not. She has built something more magnificent than any cathedral-a dwelling for an immortal soul, the tiny perfection of her baby's body…Even the angels have not been given such a grace! What is more glorious than this-to be a mother."Joseph Cardinal MindszentyWhen I am walking to meet Saint Peter and review the deeds of my life, I will not be measured by how much I acquired but instead by how much I gave. One way God asks us to give is to give of ourselves as mothers. This is often hard as we have to give up so much, especially in those early years of motherhood. But like all things, this too shall pass and there will be a day when we wish we could turn back time. I see it in the eyes of elderly women, in their sweet voices as they see the true gift of joy I have in my children. They would give anything to still be nursing boo-boos with sweet kisses and guiding an unsure hand as it tries to write its first letters.When thinking of how many children to have in our family, I believe this decision is best left to God, as I have heard there is no better way to make God laugh than to tell him your plans. I have been blessed with more than I need in house, food, and clothing (and really everyone in America is wealthy compared to the world at large), and what better way to use this surplus than to give it to a child. I would rather have more children at my feet than dollars in my pocket, as children have a value that can not be measured in any currency. A woman regarded by many to have one of the truest and biggest hearts of our time said it best…"How can there be too many children? That's like saying there are too many flowers."- Mother TeresaWe never question anything that is too beautiful, only things that seem to lack something. If you are even having the internal debate of how many children to have, maybe that thought is weighing heavily on your heart because there is something lacking in your life. You may not have that thought and that is fine. However, if you do, please consider that no dream vacation, dream car or all the luxuries one could imagine will be worth more when you look back on your life than the dream of a child.
Couldn't help but notice you mention being a sister- clearly a defining characteristic of your self identity. So when your parents fall ill, you have someone to help you care for them? When your parents pass away, you have someone to help plan the arrangements and help handle the estate? It's not just a sharing of the good, it's a sharing of the burdens, too. It's not about a tennis partner, it's about a life partner. It's not about being "not meant to have another", it's making the sacrifices to make it happen.
I couldn't help but notice the introduction to this blog submission- "a perfect follow to Susan's great blog last week". A great blog last week? In Susan's blog, she declares her own child "an anchor", she implies that 3 children are bad for a marriage, and she says her child annihilated her world (even provides a link for clarification of the definition). If you hit your child in public, CSS would be at your door within the hour. But go ahead, verbally abuse your children on a mommy blog and we'll all tell you how great you are.
It's crazy to me (and, frankly, sad) that the social "norm" these days it to talk about family size as if we're at the grocery store deciding how many apples to buy. Children are BLESSINGS, people. And while I totally understand that we're not all called to have 12 kids, I think we could benefit from a mentality adjustment. I think it's ironic that some lean towards "having less" to make things "easier", when it's maybe that very mind-set that causes the "complication" in the first place.
Yes! Yes! I love to hear from the moms out there who are raising (or rooting for) big families! I am from a big family and have dreamt of a big family all my life. I know the pains of a big family, but it really comes down to how you view LIFE. Did we travel all over the country? No. Did we go to out of state colleges? No. However, we know the deep-deep joy that comes from our Mom and Dad's sacrifices. Thank the Lord they never made us feel like a burden. All I ever heard growing up was that my friends wished they were part of my family. My parents have dedicated their lives to us and their reward will be in heaven….not an extravagant vacation, a new car, an upgraded ring, or a remodeled kitchen. My husband and I can afford much more than my parents were able to give us, however we choose to NOT give in to all that society tells us they "need." If we did, we would get caught up in the "we can't afford more children" lie. My heart breaks a little every time I hear a woman say, "We're done." or "My husband had the snip-snip." I want to tell them about the dangers of birth control to their body and marriage. Read about it here: http://onemoresoul.com/downloadable-pamphlets/problems-associated-with-hormonal-birth-control-2.htmlI don't think every family has to have a dozen children! No, not at all, but oh how I wish more women viewed children as a gift. If we did- we wouldn't go to the ends of the earth to sabotage our fertility.Sincerely,Three and we'll see
It's interesting that some of the responses to your article seem to be telling you exactly what you are saying you have already heard!I have two children but only because I was trying for one and got TWO! They are both amazing gifts and I adore them. But I can honestly say I never hoped for more than one.I understand your feelings totally because I have seen the look in some people's eyes when I say that mine are my "first, second, and last" children.If one is right for your family, then that is what you should have… and if 3, 4, or more is right, then so be it. And no one should read any more or less into it than that.
It is great to have this discussion. I think it is so rude to say to a mother of one "when are you going to have your next one?". Or asking any mother that question. Before speaking ask yourself this, she has one or more for a reason and it is her reason. None of your business. It puts the mother in an uncomfortable situation to answer. Then perhaps being judged.I am 41 had our son at 38. Always thought I wanted one and never thought I would want another, which I do. But life does not provide me that opportunity for various reasons. I will not go into them because it is my life, my private situation with my husband. You just never know what is going on in a person's life. The thing to do is be happy for any mother with any number of children and not ask any mother that question ever!!! No one should ever feel uncomfortable, sad, guilty, or bad because of social pressure.