Mr. Mom – Friday through Sunday

By Randy P:

Freaky Friday

I raced home from work thankful it was Friday and ready to ease into my Mr. mom role. As I turned into the neighborhood, I could see our house from a long ways away and I noticed something was wrong. It appeared that all of our worldly possessions were in the driveway and front lawn. Did Jen ransack the house, kidnap the kids and skip town? Maybe she contacted that crazy prankster that someone wrote about on CSP a few months ago. Maybe Marcus H. was at our house. Maybe the water main burst and the house flooded. As I got closer, my anxiety waned because I realized what was going on, a teenage sitter. I counted 53 items in the yard and driveway (a 75 piece of sidewalk chalk counted as one item). The inside of the house was not much better. Is it an unwritten rule or are teenage sitters innocently oblivious to the fact that they are supposed to pick-up after the kids?

Highlights
– Moved all the family room furniture to the living room. Why? To create a safe dance party space that can quickly be transformed to a camping pad (see photo).
– Wrestle mania (Walker calls it wessle maniac)
– Dinner outside with paper plates (no dishes)
– NHL playoff hockey

Lowlights
– Izzy’s bike wreck and skinned knee
– Bedtime. I feel guilty writing that but even with Jen here it’s painful. Fighting over who gets to be first to go to the bathroom, use the toothpaste, use the stool, can’t find my blanket, if you read five books they want ten, I need a drink, turn on the music, not this CD.
– Went to the outside fridge to brag a beer for the hockey game – one beer and it’s a Corona at that. I didn’t even bother.

Funniest thing of the day
After a relentless 35 minute bedtime battle, Owen finally decided he would be the first to get in bed. He said in a sweet voice, “Dad, will you wub my back?” After about 30 seconds into the back rub and complete silence in a pitch black room (no nightlights for these two crazy kids) Owen said, “Dad, I wuv you but you’re not mommy.” Before I could respond, a little voice from across the room added, “Yeah, because you don’t have a vagina.” Both (three year old) boys erupted in huge uncontrollable and unstoppable belly laughs. The laughter lasted for at least one minute. Thankfully, it was dark because I was on the floor laughing like a schoolboy who had just heard that word for the first time in sex ed class. You know you are not supposed to laugh but that only makes you laugh harder and longer. I guess with two older sisters that is acceptable and inevitable and I should just be glad that he did not use a slang version…

Biggest Surprise
About midnight I headed for bed. As I pulled back the covers I noticed an envelope with my name on it. It was a sweet and loving card from Jen. If it weren’t for Walker’s comment, it may have made the funniest thing of the day. After reading Jen’s message, which covered the entire inside cover and the opposite page, I got to the bottom and noticed it was a Valentines Day card that she had never written. The Happy Valentines Day print on the card had been crossed out. Actually, I am not counting but I am pretty sure that is two years in a row.

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Super Saturday

Highlights
– Dinner for breakfast. Yep, hot dogs, mac and cheese and fresh fruit. Everyone made the honorary clean plate club. I stuck to a boring bowl of cereal.
– An intense “dance party” with music provided by the Kidz Only! Music channel and a very loud surround sound system. Sorry neighbors, I could only hold them off until 6:45.
– After dance party we headed outdoors. Before the kids were allowed to play they had to create a list of rules for the week. Each child was encouraged to make as many rules as they wanted. I was expecting silence but they grew the list to 15 long in no time. Owen was so excited to provide his input he actually raised his hand (see photo).
– Walker finally allowed me to cut his hair. It had been at least three months and he had a pretty impressive mullet in the making. I thought about keeping a rat tail but decided against it at the last minute
– Going to the Y indoor pool. Holy fish out of water, that was an interesting outing.
– Camping out in the family room

Lowlights
– I had completed writing my Friday and Saturday post and it somehow accidentally got deleted. I blame it on the MacBook Pro, piece of crapola.
– I won’t say bedtime again

Funniest thing of the day
– When I sat the kids down outside and explained the “rules of the week activity” mentioned above, Owen said, “Dad, you’re not the boss, Jesus is the boss.”

Biggest Surprise
– It is very rare that I am not able to come up with a good comeback but I am still stumped over how to respond to the” dad, you’re not the boss…” comment.

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Sabbath Sunday

To go or not to go? I knew there was not going to be nursery at church this weekend but I did not want to take the easy way out. After dance party, I got everyone dressed. About 30 minutes before we needed to leave to make the 9:00 a.m. service Walker said he was going to throw up and he laid down on the bathroom floor. Had either girl pulled this stunt we would have continued on to church but I was convinced this was the real deal.

Highlights
– Dance party of course
– No throw up and an amazing recovery at about 10 a.m.
– Early nap for the boys.
– Playing in the rain
– Anz being a “talented performer” for 4 of the 6 songs she sang on High School Musical Wii
– Almost No fights today. I think everyone was too tired to fight

Lowlights
– The weather
– Forgetting to charge the kids battery powered jeep – Armageddon in a kid’s mind.
– Having to use this computer. It’s slower than the Apple II I used in college
– Having to work on my presentation (I’ll elaborate Wednesday. Boy that keeps you coming back I’m sure.)

Funniest thing of the day
The look on his face when he realized he was busted. I pulled up to a stoplight, glanced to my right and noticed a middle-aged man picking his nose. He was solo and I am pretty sure he strategically stopped short so we were not driver-to-driver, thinking he could get a little privacy. Because it was overcast and the dark tint of our windows there was no way he could see anyone in the back seats. It was not the quick brush-flick pick we are all guilty of doing when trying to avoid detection, it was a full fledged, second knuckle, I am not going to stop until I get it, assault on the left nostril. I thought about ignoring it but could not resist the temptation because of the duration. So, I of course told the kids to look and they all started laughing and commentating. After 15 seconds of picking (which is equivalent to 1 hour regular time) I decided to let him know he was providing great entertainment. I rolled down the back window so he could meet his audience face-to-face. The surprise on his face was priceless.

Biggest surprise
At lunchtime the kids were all complaining about the lack of food in the house. So after lunch, I loaded up the truckster and headed for the Teeter. Of course, everyone wanted to push the cart or have their own cart. I allowed the girls to push the big cart and the boys each had a “shopper in training” cart. Each child was allowed to pick out one thing with the only stipulation being it could not be junk food. I hate shopping so I move along at fast clip and I guess because it was Sunday afternoon and raining the store was very empty. Izzy chose fruit, Anz pickles, Walker scored with yogurt because we buy 20 at a time and Owen Kashi cereal. I grabbed a few basics and a six-pack of beer and bee-lined for the checkout counter. Everyone we passed gave us a big smile. I assumed they were thinking how cute we all were shopping. While waiting in the check out line I realized why all the big smiles. Owen had ditched his one item (cereal) and replaced it with a six-pack of Sam Adams. I was so surprised and embarrassed knowing that all those people we past were probably thinking how much of a loser I was for putting beer in my 3 year old’s shopping cart. I have no idea why, but instead of buying both six-packs I got everyone out of line and returned one of them. And sure enough, there was a big box of Kashi cereal chilling in the beer cooler…