First before I get ahead of myself let me just wish all you Mothers out there a very Happy Mothers Day. It is the one-day year I feel like I am part of a union that is about to go on strike. We have to be celebrated. It is a law or something. I walk around the house and feel a great sense of entitlement at the fact that I am doing the hardest job on earth and not getting a paycheck. If I were a banker this would be “bonus day”. Fathers get a day too but somehow in my mind the rules about that testosterone filled day are different. Here is how I wish to spend both holidays.
Mothers Day Rules
1. I want to sleep in and be left alone.
2. I want my coffee and breakfast to be made when I decide to finally stumble downstairs.
3. I will unwrap beautifully made handmade art from each child that I will proudly display on the bookshelf. Later people will comment on their talent.
4. I would like the kitchen to be immaculately clean from said gourmet breakfast preparation.
5. All the children will not be screaming at each other but quietly coloring in the other room neatly on paper and not on each other, the table, walls or the dog.
6. I will get to go for a long glorious run ALONE.
7. I will get to take a shower ALONE
8. I will not be in charge of snacks, lunch or wiping anyone’s behind except my very own.
9. I will lie by the pool and read a book without being interrupted.
10. Someone will fetch me a cool beverage and not ask for a sip
11. I will take a nap
12. I will be taken to dinner where the children will choose veggie plates instead of chicken nuggets.
13. My children will get along with each other like television siblings from The Duggar’s “2593 kids and counting” on TLC.
14. Laundry will fold itself
15. Everyone will get their own pajamas on after the bathe themselves.
16. They will put themselves to bed.
17. I will sit with my husband at the end of the evening with some nice wine and watch tv.
Fathers Day Rules
1. He will get up early to spend time with the children.
2. He will make us a huge breakfast because his pancakes are the best.
3. He will want to wrestle and play with them all morning.
4. He will build them the best fort out of sofa cushions where they will play for hours.
5. He will take the kids to the pool all afternoon and tell me to stay home because this is “quality bonding time” and he misses them when he goes to work.
6. He will take all the kids to the store with him and work on their money skills.
7. He will want to cook a fantastic dinner on the grill because his burgers are the best.
8. He will want to bathe all the kids because once again this is a perfect opportunity to bond and he is jealous I get to do this all the time.
9. He will tell me how lucky I am to stay home and how he would love to “switch jobs” with me.
10. He will gladly do all the reading that night with the children.
11. After they go to sleep he will pour me a glass of wine and give me a foot rub and tell me what a fantastic job I am doing.